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 I went with my nephew Griffin to see Pixar’s CARS.  I didn’t like it.  Not only did it seem like a pale, by-the-numbers, commercially-pandering imitation of Pixar’s other, more soulful films, the Cars themselves freaked me the fuck out.  I felt very frustrated while watching the whole movie thinking about all the specifics of the Cars’ lives.  How did they procreate?  Why do they have eyeballs where their windshields are — is there organic matter mixed in with mechanics behind the glass?  Why did their mouths move as their hoods were seemingly made of metal?  If this was a planet where only cars existed, why would they evolve in such a strange way?  How could they grow wheels, as wheels are necessarily completely detached from the body of the car?

Mostly, though, I freaked out because the Cars are kind of like armless, legless people.  Have you ever seen Prince Randian, the Human Torso, from the movie FREAKS?  He is like a small worm body with a human head.  He is a lot like a Car.



Neither one can grab stuff, or hop, or anything like that.  It would be extremely frustrating to be either Prince Randian or a Car.  So, because I’m very empathetic with characters in a movie, I felt like my own arms disappeared for the entirety of the film, which made me antsy, which made me have to go up and go to the bathroom three times during the film.  In the bathroom I felt my hands and my fingers a lot, just to remind myself they were there.  Now, I didn’t feel like this during MY LEFT FOOT, as they acknowledged the protagonist’s handicap.  It was because Pixar pretended nothing was wrong with the Cars I felt uncomfortable.

I know I’m neurotic, but just go with me a minute here.

There were a lot of incongruities within the film itself about what the Cars were able to do.  When Lightning went into Doc’s garage, there were tons of binders in there filled with pages.  How in the fuck was Doc, with his fingerless tire-hands, able to sift through a binder, much less make sure the pages were snug on the binders themselves?  In fact, it would be impossible for a Car to read a book of any sort.  And it was definitely impossible for Cars to do any of the fine electrical work that would have been necessary for all of those neon signs in Radiator Springs.  And so on.

Come to think of it, living cars have always freaked me out.  When I was a kid I went to see HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO, and all I could think about was how sad and lonely to be a car in a world of human beings.  If you’re a car, I’d imagine youd be like Christine, and go around killing people until you were killed.  However, at least Herbie didn’t have organic eyeballs behind his windshield, so he was better than a piece-of-shit Car.

I know.  I take movies too seriously.  I want them to have internal logic even if the premise is ludicrous. It was this very same personality trait that ruined the first SUPERMAN movie for me as a child, as even then I knew someone couldn’t make time go backwards just by circling around the planet hundreds of times.

And, while we’re at it, SIGNS sucked too.  Here we have incredibly intelligent aliens who are able to create spaceships that travel millions of light-years in the blink of an eye, and what is their weakness?  Fucking water?!  What, they never heard of a spacesuit before?  They just decided to chance it and hope our atmosphere wasn’t 70 percent H2O and hop out here naked?  That’d be like us going to the moon, and just jumping out of the spaceship without any clothes on, "Hi-dee-ho, sure hope I can breathe out here — Oh, fuck!!"

SIGNS made 227 million dollars domestically.  Fuck you, American people.  Thanks a heap for being just that stupid (come to think of it, I was that stupid).

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about CARS, etc.  In the end, you’re probably not neurotic like me, so these things won’t bother you.  But what might bother you is CARS is kind of fucking boring. 

Added later:

So people are mentioning TOY STORY below, and asking me if I have a problem with that as well.  The answer is no.  I like TOY STORY okay, and love TOY STORY 2.  They’re different because:

1) Toys are generally anthropomorphic. (And they generally have arms – I can’t overplay my discomfort with the armless aspects of the Cars enough.)

2) The Toys don’t exist in ‘Toy’ world where their existence wouldn’t make sense, as Toys serve a purpose — they exist in a world with humans where kids play with them.  The Cars exist in some driverless distopia, where most of their features make no sense.

3) The Toys’ world wasn’t filled with objects supposedly designed for them that they couldn’t conceivably use.

4) Toy Story didn’t suck

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