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CRIB DEATH & ROOT BEER: 100 THINGS I FUCKING HATE

Everyone’s got to rant now and again.  After all, I don’t want to be too big-puppy-eyes on this blog.  I am a horror film maker, after all.  So, in honor of my elitism and bad attitude, here are 100 things that suck my ass.  Yeah, I know, this brings up the potential for a lot more controversy than things I love – most of you will have a few things on this list you actually like.  But, I promise, I won’t hold the fact that you love Toby Keith against you if you don’t hate me for not liking to watch straight women make out with each other.  However, if you like GODFATHER III, I might have a hard time looking you in the eyes when we have a conversation.  Here’s the list, in no particular order, dripping with bitterness, bile, and negative energy…

1)    People who talk in movie theaters

2)    America’s Got Talent

3)    Bob Geldof

4)    Small dead animals

5)    Genocide

6)    The collected works of Gregg Araki

7)    Groucho impressions

8)    When people walk like Charlie Chaplin

9)    Continuous studio rewrites by additional writers, which almost always seem to fuck up a movie more than help it

10) Monsignor Russell J. Obmann, the pastor at my grade school, St. Joseph’s in Manchester, Missouri, who gave the young boys in my class alcohol and showed them porn, and probably other stuff as well.  He was later caught having sex with a male student, but was only reprimanded by the Catholic Church.  Now he’s dead.

11) The fact that we all told our parents that Russell J. Obmann was doing this shit, but they thought we were being silly and making up stories because he was a dick even outside of being a child molestor.

12) Hail Mary, the Godard film

13) Toby Keith

14) People who think the films that win Academy Awards are actually the best movies of the year.

15) HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, a Ron Howard film

16) Anyone who is ever mean to my wife (which includes myself on occasion)

17) Cantaloupe

18) When Scooby says “Cowabunga” in the first SCOOBY-DOO (no, I didn’t write it, and, in all the films I’ve made, it’s probably the thing that makes me cringe the most.  Well, that and – )

19) When Nicole goes to save the dog in DAWN OF THE DEAD.

20) The belief that gay people can somehow make themselves not gay through therapy, religion, or whatever else…

21) The SPAWN movie

22) Almost all paintings before 1850 that dont have devils or demons in them.  Sorry.

23) Large outdoor events

24) Waiting in line

25) People who butt in line

26) Such as Perry King

27) Cheap toilet paper

28) Every once in a while when I’m wearing contacts an allergen will get beneath my contact and irritate my eye and I’ll get a big eye bubble.  I hate that. (The first time this happened, I had taken my contact out, and I saw the bubble.  I thought it was my contact in the bottom of my eye! I tried to pick it out by pinching it with my fingernails, but I was actually picking at my eye skin.  Actually, I hated the actual act – but the story is a thing I fucking love).

29) Touching subway holds, elevator rails, and other dirty, greasy, disgusting things

30) Like Constantine from American Idol

31) And since I’ve outed myself as a reality show geek, I hate “the friendship” from Big Brother 6 even more.

32) Being stuck in a small room with someone who is coughing.

33) Angst

34) The fact that when I die, I’m probably just gone forever.

35) The thought that if I die, there is a small chance that my soul may live forever, and that could potentially be excruciatingly boring.

36) Getting a rare chance to listen to the Phil Hendrie radio show, and, instead of doing his great comedy and characters, he’s blustering on about his political views.

37) Licorice

38) The flu

39) The term “brain fart”

40) Gonorrhea

41) The “shock ending” of HAUTE TENSION

42) The aliens in SIGNS are destroyed by water!!

43) Slavery

44) Roughing it

45) Telling someone I don’t have time to read his/her script

46) When someone believes his or her religion is the only true religion

47) This includes fundamentalist Atheism

48) In SUPERMAN, when Christopher Reeve goes around the world and makes time go backwards, marring an otherwise perfect film.  Wait a minute, no –

49) There’s also the Lois poetry scene –

I don’t know who you are
Just a friend from another star
Here I am like a kid out of school
Holding hands with a god
I’m a fool

Barf!

50) The exclamation, “Barf!”

51) This is a strange one: I don’t like when straight women make out with each other just to turn on guys.  There’s something about it that makes me very sad.

52) Back hair

53) Getting a long hair stuck between my teeth when I suck on a woman’s nipple.

54) Okay.  Honestly?  Michelle Rodriguez on Lost.  Thank God she’s dead.

55) My fear of dirty bombs

56) The fact that my ex-long-term girlfriend still hates my guts, which I probably deserve, but it doesnt feel any less shitty.

57) GODFATHER III

58) THE PHANTOM MENACE (warning for the future – if I ever get the chance to meet George Lucas, I’m deleting this entry.  Call me a sell-out if you will.)

59) My own acting in the first Minute Man speaking scene in THE SPECIALS (with Deadly Girl, on TV -it makes me cringe).

60) Europeans putting down Americans

61) The unfortunate truth that Americans really are stupider than Europeans (or at least less well-educated).

62) Crib death

63) Root beer

64) The inhumane treatment of animals on farms.  I’m not against killing animals for food.  But we should have respect for the lives that are the source of this food.

65) My love for foies gras, which I quit eating after finding out how it’s prepared.

66) Macho dumbfucks who keep lions as pets

67) Brian Heidik, for shooting a puppy

68) Back injuries

69) When I lie to someone, without thinking, to make myself look better, and then feel really sick about it afterwards.

70) My temper

71) Especially on the road

72) Aging

73) Swollen glands

74) When film directors play Gameboy, talk on their cell phones, or use their BlackBerrys when they’re supposed to be directing the fucking scene (you heard me, Uwe Boll).

75) The same goes to directors who come to set unprepared (that’s right, Tim Story).  Directing is a privilege!  It shouldnt be abused!  (Especially when you’re directing the fucking Fantastic Four movie!)

76) The first Michael Keaton Batman, for being terribly boring, and also because the Joker was responsible for Batman’s parents’ deaths!!!

77) When people say BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID is the greatest Western of all time.

78) Food poisoning

79) Kabuki Sushi, next to the Bridge Cinemas

80) Fast food

81) When you’re having a discussion with someone from Landmark Forum and they say Got it after everything you fucking say.

82) When guys don’t clip their long nostril hair

83) When old Justice League comics had to fit fucking Aquaman into their plots

84) You know that thing when a guy makes a peace sign with his fingers and then flaps his tongue around in there like it’s a pussy?  And he does it to a woman walking down the street, or through the window of his car?  I fucking hate that dude so much.

85) I’m allergic to my cat.

86) When people pretend to be Beavis and Butthead after someone says a homonym to a dirty word.

87) When pitching a movie, it’s almost a rule that you have to compare it to two other hit movies, phrased like, “It’s PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN meets ALIENS.”  I do it because I have to, but I hate myself for it.

88) The dozens of people I met along my early life who told me that it was impossible to make a living in the entertainment industry, and that I was a delusional dreamer.  Not to let my ego get too out-of-control, but I now make more money than all of you combined.  Fuck you, you Goddamn Bittermans (read Jenna’s acting blog to get the reference).

89) REALITY BITES

90) Touching poop

91) Child rape

92) Animal-human porn

93) Robert Wuhl’s craptacular performance in COBB, an otherwise terrific film

94) When someone puts down a movie or show I’ve worked on or someone close to me has worked on, as if that’s information I’d like to have.  For instance, I got an email from an acquaintance asking me for a favor, and, in the email, he said, “By the way, I saw DAWN OF THE DEAD last night – thats all I’m going to say about that.”  You expect me to do you a favor after that?!!  Another time I had to endure a bus ride with some people I knew while two of them, knowing full well to whom I was married, had a long conversation about how the British Office is so much better than the American Office.  Listen, I honestly don’t care if you dont like DAWN OF THE DEAD, or The Office, or anything else.  But that doesn’t mean I want to have a damn discussion with you about it, or that your opinion is somehow enhances my personal-growth.

95) Shitting in public places

96) This photo of me, which has to be one of the worst ever taken, and yet shows up all the time on the ‘Net:

97) Picnics

98) My paunch

99) Racists

100) Pregnant strippers

Post some crap you hate below (OR things you love that I hate).

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