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25 FUCKING THINGS I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Dear God/Santa Claus/Jesus,

I know I haven’t been that fucking good this year.  I know that my wife is really, really nice, and I can be kind of a dick sometimes (I read it on a message board).  I know I could have gotten more work done and I’ve been a little, uh, princessy, figuring out what I want to direct next.  I know that I go far too long between cleanings of the litter box, even though that’s one of my only, like, three chores in the house compared to Jenna’s forty.   I know that I should have noticed that she got a guy to put Christmas lights on the outside of our house when I came home the other day.  But I was thinking about other stuff, you know?   And, yes, sometimes I just bring out the worst in people.  Like that guy this year who got so mad at me in the Vons parking lot that he kicked in the side of my car.  Or that other guy who called me a cunt outside Matsuhisa.  But, to be honest, God/Santa Claus/Jesus, you have to admit, that YOU’RE the one who made me kind of an asshole.  So all that fucked-up shit I do is kind of because of the way YOU made me.  I’m just saying.  I mean, I DO the stuff, sure.  But you sort of laid the tracks.

That said, I promise to be so, so, so much fucking better next year.  Especially if I find some of the following shit in my stocking come Christmas morning:

1.     25 million dollars.

2.     A subscription to Mental Floss.

3.     A giant robot that I can drive around inside his head, and four more giant robots for each of my brothers, so we can have fun fights out on a football field somewhere for the enjoyment of others.  Make sure the interior of the heads is made of Nerf or something Nerf-like so when we fall over it won’t be too painful.  I don’t want to get racked by some other-wordly gear shift, or have the imprint of a bio-defibrilator on the side of my face for weeks.

4.     Invisibility.

5.     Because I’m a giving guy, I’d like to remove Farrah Fawcett’s anal cancer.  And if there’s some giant karmic machinery we’re all a part of and it HAS to go somewhere, then please put it into Perry King.  I’m just saying, ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO.

6.     Dude, my allergies to my cat are kind of killing me, especially since he sleeps next to me every night.  Can you remove these fucking things?  Thanks.

7.     Speaking of my cat, he would like to have mechanical arm and leg extensions so he can drive places, and robotic opposable thumbs to open cans and stuff.  Also, if a stranger comes into the house and moves too quickly, instead of running under a bed, my cat can just grab tightly onto the stranger’s neck and tear his thorax out.  Does this have to count for one of MY 25 things since it’s actually my cat who would be the true beneficiary?  It does?  Well, okay, then, make this the last gift I get.  I’d rather Perry King get colon cancer (but, you know, ONLY if he has to).

8.     I’d like to guest star on 24 for six episodes as someone even more hardcore and cooler than Jack Bauer.  I’m sort of a mercenary type, with, like, a scar down the side of my face.  At first I’m seemingly evil, but, little by little, it’s revealed that I’m working to take down the same people as Jack Bauer!  My character and Jack Bauer work together and destroy their evil plans!!  When we’re done, Jack Bauer feels like it’s his duty to take me in because I’ve got like eighty-something warrants against me, but when he goes to arrest me, I’m gone.  My character is able to disappear into the shadows like Batman, and everyone’s like "Wha…!"  But you know Jack Bauer’s secretly happy, because we’re cut from the same fucking cloth.

9.     Vintage FREAKIE cereal giveaway figurines.

10.  The most comfortable blanky in the world.

11.  World peace.

12.  Oh, no!  George W. Bush has just shit himself on stage in front of everyone.  This is a tragedy!  He looks like an idiot in front of the whole world!  Ha!  Oh, come on, I shouldn’t laugh.  That’s not right.  Ha ha hee hee!  Stop it!  Ha!  I can’t help myself!  (By the way, mega-thanks for giving me Dick Cheney shooting that guy in the face last year!  That was MY MOST FAVORITE GIFT!)

13.  An enormous jug of cashews.

14.  No more fucking email messages from people trying to contact my wife.

15.   I saw an ad for that new squirtable Sweet Tarts.  Jenna thinks it sounds disgusting, but to me it sounds like the greatest fucking thing ever!  Thanks for inventing it, God/Santa Claus/Jesus!  I mean, I know some poor confectionary-candy-company-employee who will never get a cut of the profits himself actually "invented" it – but YOU’RE the one who really invented it by putting the idea in his head, right?  He doesn’t really deserve a cut!  Fuck that guy and his griping.  He and his four kids and his alimony-obsessed pill-popping ex-wife can go suck it!  I’ll take twelve boxes.

16.   Can I go back in time and not write a blog about Andrew Bryniarski (aka Leatherface) being drunk at the Fangoria Chainsaw Awards?  I heard he wants to kick my ass, and that guy’s like eight fucking feet tall and bigger than a truck.  I mean, seriously, THAT’S the guy who wants to kick my ass?  What am I, a fucking character in a 1980’s high school sex comedy?!

17.    Those new Apple Hi-Fi speakers for my iPod.

18.    I’ve always wanted a couple of pet goats, but I also need a place to put them.  I don’t know if my backyard is quite big enough, and, unless they’re enclosed, Von Spears will probably irritate the hell out of them.  He might even try to kill them.  People think Von Spears is cute and all – and he IS… around people at least.  But, man, he has a ruthless streak around animals.  I still remember that baby possum.  That shit was fucked up!  So, all I’m saying is, if I don’t have a larger backyard and a fence, don’t even bother with the goats.  Oh – and I also need a guy to take care of them when I leave town.

19.    All right, I’m at a small dinner party with just me, supermodel Josie Maran, Mischa Barton, that hot chick from JAG, and Olivia Newton-John circa 1978.  We just happen to be hanging around having a nice dinner party.  Maybe we’re all on some charitable committee or something, I don’t know.  Then some terrorists break in and, at gunpoint, over a period of five days, they force us all to have an orgy.  Fuck!  I HAVE TO DO IT BECAUSE IF I DON’T I’M GOING TO DIE.  It doesn’t count as cheating and it has no deleterious effects on my marriage.  Thanks, God/Santa Claus/Jesus (if you can work this one out I’ve got absolutely no problems with that whole virgin birth thing).

20.    A perfect night of sleep every night of 2007, so I don’t wake up at 4 a.m. and write dumb shit like "25 Fucking Things I Want for Christmas."

21.    I’m going back home to St. Louis for Christmas, and ALL hats look stupid on me.  I need something to keep my ears warm that at least doesn’t look totally ridiculous.

22.    Did I say that squeezable Sweet Tart stuff?  I did?  Okay, then: X-ray vision.

23.    You know why I think my shit doesn’t stink?  Because you just gave me non-stinking shit for Christmas.

24.    A Wiii.

25.    Am I pushing it by having Dick Cheney shoot ANOTHER guy in the face this year?  I’m not?  That’s a gift for YOU too?!!  Wow!  Fan-fucking-tastic, God/Santa Claus/Jesus!  You’re a prince!

Cool.  I’ll be out of town Christmas day, so wait until after that to deliver any big packages!  Especially the goats!  That would suck to come home to a crate full of two dead goats on my doorstep!  Ha!  What a fucked-up way to start the New Year!!

Thanks again,

James
 



Merry Christmas, fuckers.  I’ll talk to you all next year.

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