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50 WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE COCKSUCKER IN A COMPLIMENT

50 WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE A COCKSUCKER IN A COMPLIMENT

By James Gunn

1.      You are the best cocksucker in the world.

2.      Hey, cocksucker, hand me a beer… Wow, thanks!  You did a really great job of handing that to me, cocksucker.

3.      You know what a cocksucker like you is good for?  Everything.  I fucking love you so much.

4.      Hey, cocksucker, you RAWK!

5.      Cocksucker, come here for a minute.  Look at this picture I drew.  It’s you.  Look how handsome you are.

6.      You are a sneaky little thieving cocksucker, which is a trait I find appealing in a person.

7.      I’m happy you’re alive, cocksucker.  If the ambulance arrived even a second later, you’d be fucking dead.

8.      Guess what, cocksucker? (Point to yourself, then draw a heart in the air, then point to the person.)

9.      Cocksucker, have you been working out?!

10. We’re having a few people over after the show, but don’t tell anybody, because we can’t invite everyone, cocksucker.  Just our closest friends.  Definitely don’t tell Fillion, ’cause he’ll tell fucking everyone.

11. When I look at you I can only think "cocksucker." But that’s just because I only imagine really attractive people sucking my cock.

12. He only makes those snide comments because he feels insecure around you, you cocksucker.

13. Hi.  I know you’re not home right now, but I thought I’d leave you a message anyway.  I just arrived at the hotel room in Venice.  I’m looking out the window at the sun setting over the Ponte Vecchio.  The lights, the Italian people, the architecture – it’s all completely, overwhelmingly beautiful.  And I – I swear to God, I’m crying right now – the only thing that would make this moment more perfect is if you were with me, cocksucker.  You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I want you to know that.

14. You remind me of this cocksucker I saw the other day.  She’s a porn star.  She’s really, really pretty.

15. Hey, look up in the sky. (A plane is up there skywriting, "Will you marry me, cocksucker?" And I’m the one who hired it.)

16. Well, I tell you, I’ve been a tailor now for forty years, and you don’t come across a perfect size two very often.  And you, my dear cocksucker, are a perfect size two.  You could make a lot of money as a fit model.

17. Cocksucker, honestly, it really is not that much cellulite.  If you hadn’t pointed it out, I would have never noticed.

18. ‘Oh, right!  If anyone’s an idiot, it’s you!  Of course!  You’re the dumbest cocksucker I’ve ever met!’ (Said sarcastically.)

19. Honestly, cocksucker, I love all your accomplishments in life – your career, this big fancy house.  But nothing makes me prouder to be your father than when I see how loving you are to your cocksucking wife and kids.

20. For a driver’s license picture, cocksucker, that looks pretty good.  I’d fuck that person.

21. Ha!  Look at you, you little cocksucker, hanging upside down and getting that bird seed like you’re fucking MacGyver!  You are one resourceful little fuck!  (For squirrels only.)

22. So THIS cocksucker shows up at the Halloween party in this elaborate costume, only no one knew who in the fuck he was supposed to be.  He’s wearing this fucking – it’s like a fucking sailor costume or something.  Rooker and I start arguing over whether he’s supposed to be fucking Donald Duck or one of the Village People.  Is there even a sailor in the Village People?  I can’t remember.  Anyway, then we notice this cocksucker has pantyhose filled with socks on his forearms.  We’re like… what?  It looked like some sort of fucking lumpy disease.  I’m serious!  We’re like, Are you supposed to be, like, Jason, or Freddy, or Leatherface or one of these fucks!?  He’s like, no – get this – he’s SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING POPEYE!  The lumpy disease is supposed to be his fucking muscular forearms!  What a fucking moron!  Oh my God, it was the worst fucking costume I’ve ever seen!  But, Jesus, you got to hand it to this cocksucker – he puts his fucking all into it!

23. Even though Mom’s still alive, Grandma, I feel like YOU’RE my Mom, because you’re the one who really raised me, you sweet old wrinkly cocksucker.

24. Okay, out of all of us dudes here – we’re all straight guys, I’m not saying anybody isn’t – but I’d imagine YOU would be the best cocksucker.  Not that you would ever really do it.  But, if you did, I think you’d be really good at it.

25. Look at you, you little cocksucker, rockin’ the Sponge Bob Underoos!  In fifteen years you are going to be HOT!

26. God has a special purpose for you, cocksucker.

27. Hey, cocksucker, here’s I mug I bought for you. (The mug says "World’s Greatest Dad" on it.)

28. Sweet ink, cocksucker.  If I had the courage, I’d tattoo a giant tiger ripping out of my ribcage too.

29. And that’s why I’m incredibly honored to be awarding the Medal of Valor to this cocksucker over here.

30. Ugly?  You cocksucker!  You are NOT ugly!  If you weren’t my sister, I’d fuck the living shit out of you.

31.  No one needs to feel sorry for Piccolo.  Piccolo’s in parakeet heaven now and for her three years of life she had the best Mommy in the world… of course I mean YOU, you silly cocksucker! 

32. Let’s admit it, I’m not really that fond of people.  I think of most people as cocksuckers, and I use that term pejoratively.  But when I call you a cocksucker, cocksucker, I mean it in an endearing way, like how a black person will call his friends niggers.

33. Cocksucker, you would do really great on Jeopardy.  Honestly, you seriously ought to go down there and apply.  If sports come up, you’re fucked.  You don’t know jack shit about sports.  But you’re a whiz at everything else!  Seriously – it’d be like free exposure for your acting career.

34. Wow.  My cat never likes anybody!  And look at him just rubbing up against you, you cocksucker.

35. Some people wear fat well.  Like you, cocksucker.

36. LOL, cocksucker.  BEST txt evah!

37. You draw Wolverine way better than any of the other kids in class, cocksucker.

38. Here, cocksucker, I have a movie to show you.  It’s called Murderball.  I’m showing it to you, cocksucker, because even though you’ve lost the use of your legs, you don’t have to give up.  You always were athletic.  I mean, now, I guess you’re not so athletic compared to a regular person.  But pitted against other cripples, I think you’d fare pretty well.  NEVER GIVE UP!

39. Most people don’t look good with a mustache, cocksucker.  But you wear that motherfucker well.  Ah, who the hell am I kidding?!  You look good no matter what!

40. I have no need to travel the world in search of stunning landscapes or magnificent art, cocksucker, when I can look at your beautiful fucking face each and every day.

41.You’re so awesome I think they ought to rename God "Cocksucker."

42. There are three kinds of people in the world – motherfuckers, pussies, and cocksuckers.  Motherfuckers will fuck you over at the drop of a hat.  But at least they’re upfront about it – pussies will fuck you over and pretend like they aren’t.  And then there’s cocksuckers, like you, who are all awesome people – they’ll take the shirt off their back to help a friend in need.  

43. You had me at "hello," cocksucker.

44. Cocksucker, you are the least douche-baggy person I’ve ever met in my life.

45. I love you, baby. (Then give her a personalized license plate that reads C[heart]KSKR.)

46. Oh, my God!  I can’t believe I just told you that!  NOBODY knows that about me!  It’s you!  There’s something about you that just makes me want to open up and tell you everything!  My God, you’re disarming!  You fucking cocksucker!

47. That scene in Sophie’s Choice, where you talk about having to decide which of your children is going to die, is probably, cocksucker, the finest three minutes of performance ever caught on film. (For Meryl Streep only).

48. I bet ninety percent of the people who’ve met you have told you you have the most beautiful eyes.  But I bet I’m the only one to do it and call you a cocksucker.

49. Mom and Dad, I know we’ve had our difficulties over the years.  I know I wasn’t always the best son.  But, in the end, if I could have chosen any two people in the world to be my parents, it would be you two cocksuckers.

50. 2 kudos, cocksucker.

Thanks for the inspiration, Tori!

 

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