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The Creepiest Things You’ll Ever See

ALIEN.  ROSEMARY’S BABY.  INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.  THE THING.  We’ve had a few great horror films over the past fifty years, but not a one of them is scary as this shit.  These are all "professionally" retouched photos of little girls by real companies on the web.  

"Martha."

"Yes, Bob."

"I thought we’d send out a picture of our little Mindy with this year’s Christmas cards."

"Well, that’s a great idea, Bob, theoretically, but – don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Mindy – and she’s adorable – I mean, TO ME – but, her face is rather, it’s, well…"

"Fucked up?"

"Exactly, Bob.  Her snaggly teeth, the bags under her eyes.  What will people think of me?"

 "Well, I believe I have a way to take care of that – "

"Isn’t four a little young for a face-lift, Bob?"

"Not that, dear.  I know a guy.  He does photo retouching.  Doesn’t cost that much.  We can turn Mindy into the little girl we always wanted!"

"Fantastic, Bob!  And while you’re at it, could you make her face look like a sheet of flat fucking plastic with a couple of taxidermist’s glass eyeballs?"

"Martha!? "

"Yes?"

"What you just said — I’m coming!"

"Abby is ADORABLE.  But you know what would make her more adorable?  If she was Nathan Lane at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night."

"I am so sick of Victoria’s droopy right eye I can’t even tell you.  Mr. Retoucher, honestly, I need you to follow us around and retouch her fucking eye wherever we fucking go, ’cause I just can’t deal with this shit anymore.  I’m going to do something crazy, like cut a bitch up, and it will be your fucking fault for not retouching her while she’s all up in my grill wanting a kiss from Daddy and shit, droop, droop, droop, droopin’."

I don’t get it.  They put a hat on her?  Other than that she looks exactly the same.

If this thing on the right came out of my wife’s womb I’d have to smash it with a stick.

All right, admittedly, you’re gonna lose either way with this one.

"Everything about Beatrice is perfect.  Except her fucking head.  Let’s give her one that’s more – I don’t know – whore-like."

Check out HUMANZEE!, the new show from the guys who brought you PG PORN, here –

 

James

 

MEANWHILE,

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