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Demo Derby 2! Tons of Photos! And More!


Linda Derbellini, JP Car-brera (I just made those up!) and I were the first of the crew to arrive.

I talked to my brother Sean on the phone.  He was just arriving with Lee, Val, Nick, and Marci.  I tried to explain where I was.  "There’s a dude behind me putting shit in a stroller, with a chick beside him stretching out her sweater.  Don’t you know where that is?"  He couldn’t figure it the fuck out.  Little brothers are dumb.

I stopped in the gift shop. "Excuse me, sir, can I get this?  Wait, it’s only partially sleeveless?  Fuck.  I thought it was fully sleeveless.  Dammit.  It’s almost fucking perfect.  Shit.  I’ll have to keep looking."

Since we couldn’t find everybody, and we had a half-hour to waste before the derby started, we decided to RAWK IT OUT in the motherfucking funhouse!

We were laughing at what we would look like if we were deformed, and this chick kept giving us mean looks because she was on a very important phone call with some guy named Paco.  Obviously we weren’t adhering to the strict rules of decorum in the FUCKING FUNHOUSE.

Still, I don’t think JP should have punched her in the thorax for giving him guff.  But, in his defense, he was freaked out on having turned into a midget.

We settled into the derby.  Our seats were right down in front.  This crowd was a lot larger than the derby I attended a few weeks ago.  My brother Brian and his girlfriend Savitri were already there.  Stevie and Mercedes and Sean’s crew showed up a few minutes later.

I act like they’re my friends but I think they’re monkeys.

I forgot to eat dinner before I left, so I had it at the fair.  This is what I ate: One whole funnel cake, a chocolate-dipped swirl cone, a big pretzel, and 2/3 a plate of nachos.  Here, Nick is excited because I gave him the rest of my nachos.

Linda’s dinner — beer, peanuts, a corndog, a chocolate dipped ice cream cone, and bits and pieces of shit off of my plate.  And when I say "shit" I mean actual feces.  She’s weird that way.

The derby started!

I knew this dude was screwed once I saw how well-painted his car was.  He lasted for all of two minutes once the round started.  He’s like that really handsome dude you went to high school with who gets all the chicks and then you learn that he premature ejaculates, and you’re like, ‘Thank you, God.  Everything does balance out, doesn’t it?’

What I meant to say is he’s like a handsome dude who premature ejaculates and then passes out and then a bulldozer has to come into your bedroom to take him out ’cause he can’t move. 

This dude’s car, however, looked like total crap.  He would come in second place overall.

This dude let his mongoloid kid paint his car.  ‘Hey, MK,’ he said.  ‘Get some fingerpaints and do whatever you want.’  He’s going to come in third place.

There were a lot of great moments throughout the night.  The best was probably when this one dude got stuck on top of this other dude.  And then fire came out of him!

And then other dudes summoned up their compassion and started smashing the fuck out of him.

And then the dude got down!  And just kept derbying!  This motherfucker is so hardcore I bet he has like twelve scrotums up and down his back just to hold all the extra testosterone.

Some of us were happy by this turn of events. Others of us were upset.  But all of us were posing for this very fake photo.

This one, however, is real.

Mom, we made a new hole in the ozone layer today.  But unlike the other holes in the ozone that were caused by human greed and negligence, this one was created by kickassness.  So you know what comes down through this hole?  Fucking fairies and starlight and Christmas presents all year ’round.  And tons of Josie Marans.

"So you’re a football player, huh?"
"Oh yeah."
"Tell me – do you ever catch on fire and then we need to use a fucking bulldozer to turn you on your side while nonchalant dudes come over and extinguish you before you explode?"
"Uh, no."
"Thought so, pussy."

Some video.

This dude won the whole thing. He’s awesome.

Just between us, I heard Centennial Battery’s heart really wasn’t in it.  They’re just trying to get their name out there.  But the rest of them are all completely awesome dudes, dedicated to the cause.

They wheeled these fuckers out there for the final event.  I honestly thought that was in bad fucking taste.

So we left to check out some rides.

"Sean, are you gonna bring a date to the fair on Thursday?"
"Nah, I think I’ll just meet somebody there."

We all went up in the Ferris Wheel.  This is my favorite pic of the night.

We’re all just little ants and that’s okay.

Velma Dinkley and Murray Martini together, as you’ve always wanted to see them.

JP and I went to a second funhouse, where JP seriously pissed me off.  He was jumping and running backwards towards me on moving metal things like an ape on meth so that we both almost broke our fucking necks.  Look at how fucking excited he is.  It’s simply not that much fucking fun, dude.  The little 10-year-old girl behind us was even more pissed than me.  Her face kept running into my ass because of JP facing the wrong way and shit.  At one point I heard her mutter, "jack-off."  When I heard her say that, I fell in love a little.  In eight years I will fuck her.

So after the funhouse I decided to make fun of JP in front of everyone, which is sort of a pastime of mine.  I talked about how the little girl hated him, and reminded everyone of how we went on a float trip once and JP wasn’t sure which end of the oar went in the water (true).  He started getting pissed off.  We decided to play a dart game.  Sean lost.  Linda lost.  I lost.  JP picked up a dart, looked at me and said, "Fuck you, dude."  He tossed the dart and hit the center of the target with one try, like David fucking Carradine.  And he won this sweet guitar.  He said he used his hate for me to mystically find the target.  Look at that venomous, vengeful, smug, shit-eating fucking smile on his face.  He knew it was a dagger in my heart, even after he almost killed us both in the funhouse.  And he got this poor woman behind him to dance like his pet monkey to deepen the blow.   I’m embarrassed for him, honestly.

We found an appropriately placed Ferris wheel and decided to take some holy pictures of ourselves.  Sean (www.myspace.com/seangunnthejudge)

Marci (www.myspace.com/marcilee)

Stevie (www.myspace.com/blackehart)

Lee (www.myspace.com/sadhappysucker – sort of – he kind of shares it with Val)

Nick (www.myspace.com/nickholmesonline)

And me. And that was the end of the night.


You can also befriend Mercedes at www.myspace.com/mercedesthurlbeck
And JP (John) at

So — after all this Demo Derby talk, I’m sure all of you want to check out the next derby with us.

Well, now that’s possible.

The JGAS (James Gunn Appreciation Society) will actually be sponsoring a car for Stan "Mac" MacDonald in the upcoming Lake Perris Fair in Perris, California, on Sunday October 14.  Mac will be smashing fuckers at 1:30 in the afternoon and, if his car makes it, again at 7 in the evening.  This is all due to the wonderful work of Just Linda, Queen Madam Pimp of the JGAS.

If you remember, Mac was the winner of this year’s Antelope Valley Fair Demo Derby.

Tickets for the fair (which I think will also get you into the derby) are on sale now at this website: http://www.socalfair.com/ticket_info.html. To purchase by phone, call 1-877-77CLICK.

EVERYONE is invited to come on down and cheer on Mac and his JGAS-mobile.  For this special occasion, Ablazin’ Devil Head has designed a T-shirt:

You can buy it now (along with other crap) at www.cafepress.com/jgas — as usual, all profits go to Rover Rescue (www.roverrescue.com), and I will match all profits personally dollar for dollar.

Keep up with all the derby info by joining the JGAS at www.jgas.org/forum

© 2007 – 2009, Just Linda. All rights reserved.


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