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The Greatest Thing Ever in the World of All Time (and More!)

 

THE GREATEST THING EVER MADE EVER OF ALL TIME

What’s better than this video? Not much. It’s beautiful, and it teaches me something special about life. Thank you, Jesus, for making it. You didn’t know? This is the one and only directorial effort of Jesus Christ himself.

 

 

THE DEMO DERBY

The whole crew is revving up for the Demo Derby this Sunday, October Motherfucking 14, at the Lake Perris Fair, at 1:30 in the afternoon. The JGAS is sponsoring Stan "Mac Attack" MacDonald, the greatest demolition derby driver in the world, the winner of the recent Antelope Valley Fair. He is also known to have a humongous scrotum which makes the scrotums of us lesser men look like those shriveled kangaroo scrotums that hang from a keychain your idiot brother Matt brought you back from his trip to Australia.

Like I give a shit about a fucking kangaroo scrotum. That thing was really worth traveling 20,000 miles with. What, you couldn’t pick me up a Goddamn didgeridoo? I always wanted to learn how to play a didgeridoo, and now I never will, because you’re an asshole.

Um, anyway… For those of you in the Southern California area, you can join me and my special guests at the fair. The fair is about an hour and a half outside of L.A. I think it’s only like five bucks to get into the fair AND the demo derby. The fried Snickers bars, however, are extra. For more info, go to http://www.socalfair.com/ticket_info.html

 

GOD, WHY DO YOU HATE PEOPLE?

And, if you don’t, why did you create this woman? This is just your way of mocking us, isn’t it? You’re saying that, essentially, inside, we are ALL this chick, and everything we do is as goofy as her? And then we die.

 

THE YES BINGE

So I mentioned that I was on a "Yes Binge" in my Stream.tv interview (still available at http://www.thestream.tv/watch.php?v=368), and I got a few inquiries about it.

A Yes Binge is basically making a commitment for six months to say "YES" to anything you’re on the fence about. If it’s an automatic "no," say "no," but if you have to think about it, say "yes." This has been a blast for me, since I’m usually pretty stingy with my time, both socially and work-wise. Now I’m overbooked and tired as hell from going out most every night, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time too. So, if you find yourself in a rut, try out a Yes Binge.

(By the way, a yes binge doesn’t mean I will say yes to reading your script, or watching your short film on the internet, or casting you in a film. These things fall in the same category as "wrapping barbed wire around a meat thermometer and sticking it up my ass." They’re automatic no’s.)

 

WRONG TURN 2

I was bummed as all fuck when my friend Joe Lynch, the director of WRONG TURN 2, invited me to the L.A. premiere. Honestly, the chances of this movie being good were extremely slim. And I couldn’t sleep through the movie because Joe knows what I look like (fortunately, the director of DRAGON WARS didn’t, which is how I came to give that movie the sort-of confusing quote, "DRAGON WARS: If it weren’t so fucking loud it’d be the greatest nappy time ever!")

 

So I was extremely relieved at the WRONG TURN 2 premiere that the movie wasn’t at all boring. Joe made a horror movie that was actually fun, something that was common back in the 80’s and even the 90’s, but is such a rarity today. It was humorous, and the action was pretty damn close to non-stop. The movie was a lot better than most of the theatrically-released horror films I’ve seen over the past couple years (yes, I know, that’s like playing water polo with retarded flipper-babies, but, you know…) Anyway, if you’re in for a fun, campy, 80’s style horror film, buy or rent WRONG TURN 2.

 

Crystal Lowe: One of the many reasons WT2 isn’t boring

 

 

OH DEAR LORD –

Luna Chick (it was Luna Chick, right?) decided to take my Rooker-Sean pic from a couple blogs back and creepy-babify it. Here you go:

 

THE ST. LOUIS FILM FESTIVAL

From November 9 to the 11th, I’ll be in St. Louis for the St. Louis Film Festival – or, excuse me, the AT&T St. Louis Film Festival (Does everything have to have a fucking sponsor in its actual name now? Maybe I should just be, like, Hewlett-Packard’s James Gunn, like, permanently. PETS, written and directed by Hewlett-Packard’s James Gunn. I like that.) We’ll be screening SLiTHER on the 9th; one of my favorite films, THE NAKED KISS, on the 10th, with a discussion afterwards; and there’s some sort of Q & A thing on the 11th. I’ll give you more info as time goes by.

 

WHAT THE FUCK?

Tiffany passed this along to me. "Thanks", Tiffany (for making me sick.)

P.S. What’s with all the male comments saying, "If that chick was my mom, I’d STILL be breast-feeding?" Huh? First of all, she’d be your MOM. Secondly, you’d be drinking fucking human milk. Thirdly, you’re fucking disgusting. And, fourthly, her tits are freakish potato sacks that aren’t in the least sexually appealing.

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