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Let me tell you something about my friend Stevie Blackehart.  When Stevie was young, being raised by nuns in Hell’s Kitchen, he would get in trouble very often.  This meant countless hours of detention in the school library.  So how did Stevie amuse himself?  He would read the encyclopedias.  A to Z, cover to cover, the World Book, the Britannica, etc, over and over.  You would think this would make Stevie an especially interesting individual, full of fun facts about our world which he could throw into a conversation at any time.

You would be wrong.  Instead, although he is my best friend, Stevie is extremely boring.  Usually he’s like sitting next to a monotone cassette recording of the World Book encyclopedia, droning on and on about something you could give two shits about – like, say, how a fucking air-conditioner works.

So this Friday while we were doing a photo shoot for Femme Fatales (having to do with our secret project), Stevie surprised me – surprised us all, really –when he brought up the subject of Oliver the Humanzee.  For the first time in our ten-year friendship, Stevie was actually interesting.  The whole gang hung on his every word as he told us all about Oliver, a very human-like Chimpanzee who for years was believed to be a half-human/half-chimp hybrid.  Oliver walked upright like a human being, with his knees forward.  He had very little hair.  He was able to understand complex instructions.  He was only sexually attracted to human females (Oliver once bent over and raped his female owner – and she wasn’t even good-looking!)  It was no coincidence Stevie was telling us about Oliver on Easter weekend, as in my mind Oliver was quickly overtaking Jesus as the greatest being to ever walk planet earth.

Anyway, here’s a little video about Oliver so you can take in the awesomeness yourselves:

As DNA evidence later proved, Oliver wasn’t really a human/chimp hybrid, just a chimp that is very very much like a human being (an evolutionary leap, perhaps?), and who also RAWKED to a very great degree.

HOWEVER, Stevie went into great detail about how it actually WAS feasible to have such a hybrid, as human sperm could fertilize a chimp egg or vice versa.  He talked about a Russian scientist who did all sorts of breeding experiments between humans and apes, although he lost his government funding before any of them came to fruition (Communist pussies).  Stevie also told us about a secret team of scientists in Florida in the 1920’s who were rumored to have actually delivered a human-chimp baby.  Supposedly, the thing was so awful they had to destroy it.  I don’t know how they destroyed it, but I like to imagine that they smashed it with a rock, as that would be more dramatic.

That night I went out with my friends Michael Rosenbaum, Pete Alton, and Chris MacDonald.  Of course, we talked about nothing else but humanzees.  I told them how I was on the fence about actually having children, but if I could have a humanzee son I would do it in a second.  We all agreed it would be super cool if we each had a humanzee son who could hang out with us.  They would be the perfect compatriots – we could give them lots of love and teach them how to do complex tasks.  But we could also put them in a cage in the backseat when we were bored with them.  Maybe we’d cut up an apple and put it in there for them to eat.

While we were driving from party to club to party we would watch the Oliver YouTube videos on Rosenbaum’s iPhone.  I knew this wasn’t the safest thing, watching videos while I was driving on the 405 Freeway on a Friday at midnight surrounded by drunks.  But I also knew if we died in a fiery crash, my friends and family would understand if they knew we were watching humanzee videos, because humanzees are super-interesting.

While we were hanging out at a hip club in Hollywood, I looked at my friend Pete.  Pete’s a great friend, and I really love him, but I realized in that moment I would be a lot happier if he was a humanzee.


It would be really incredible if it was me and Rosey and Chris hanging out with a humanzee instead of Pete.  It would be especially cool if the humanzee was wearing cool clothing – maybe he’d get a little suit custom made wherever midgets get their suits made.  The humanzee most likely wouldn’t have a lot of money, as humanzees are probably ridiculously stupid – whatever money they did make they’d spend on candy and glittery objects and human women who would overcome their disgust at having sex with them for large amounts of cash.  But, I swear to God, I’d GIVE the little fucker the money to buy the custom-made humanzee suit.  What would be better than that? First of all, EVERYTHING the humanzee would do would be interesting.  Even something boring, like drinking a martini or smoking a clove cigarette would be neat to see a humanzee do.  Secondly, he’d be great in a bar fight.  Chimpanzees have EIGHT TIMES the strength of human beings.  That means a humanzee has FOUR TIMES the strength of a human being.  But he’d be tiny, so it wouldn’t be expected.  Thirdly, I think we’d get a lot of attention with a humanzee.  Girls would definitely want their pictures taken with him, and I’m pretty sure they’d be amazed at the rapport I had with the humanzee.  I’d be like the hunky jock who’s really nice to his retarded little brother.  That’s a pretty attractive feature in a guy.

I don’t even know what a real humanzee would look like.  But it would probably be pretty cool and also would creep you out.

As I sat there in the club, I realized I’ve made so many of my dreams in life come true – I’ve written and directed movies, I’ve made a lot of money, I’ve had sex with beautiful women – that I am now fantasizing about really strange things, like having a humanzee as a best friend.

So be it.  At the very least, he’d never, ever, ever blather on about how a fucking air-conditioner works.  A humanzee would not have the slightest idea.  He’d just be like, “Wow, when I flick this button I’m not so hot anymore.  It’s magic!”

Actually, in that respect, I guess I am kind of like a humanzee.

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