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33 Tattoos I’m NOT Going to Get

I’m thinking about getting another tattoo, a sleeve tattoo to cover my right forearm, and have been coming up with a list of the different possibilities. I like to think outside of the box, and many of the ideas I’ve thought of I’ve already dismissed – sometimes immediately, sometimes after a lengthy period of deliberation. What follows is a list of the –

33 TATTOOS I’m NOT getting

1. Method Man

2. Pretty balloons floating up a bright blue sky with fluffy clouds in the background.

3. A 12-year-old Japanese girl in a bikini.

4. "Bumfights.com"

5. The cast of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

6. Eczema.

7. "SEINFELD", in gang lettering.

8. A portrait of this kid in my neighborhood who killed himself, who I only kinda knew – "Steve Rapp, 1972-1989."


Who the fuck are you again? Oh yeah. Your death kinda bummed me out for about ten minutes.

9. "Never forget!" And, below that, a picture of my uncle molesting me as a child.

10. Feces raining down on a goofy frog who is saying "Shit happens" with a friend frog beside him, who is dead, smashed by the feces, and is saying, "Easy for you to say!"

11. A portrait of this chick I went on a date with last week and am thinking about going out with again (I could show up at her door and say, "Surprise! Look what I got!").

12. THE CHEVY CHASE SHOW logo

13. My own forearm, only skinnier.

14. "Gay for pay."

15. A sexy picture of Elizabeth Berkely as a stripper and the inscription: "SHOWGIRLS – I don’t REALLY like it but it’s so bad I LOVE it."


Now, time to ironically jerk off to this picture.

16. Calvin pissing on an American flag.

17. "When can I stop pretending I like you?" – on the front of my forearm, so that anyone I’m having a conversation with can read it.

18. At the top it would read "Women I have fucked" and below it lists the full names of my friends’ girlfriends and wives. With a star next to the best ones.

19. Those ballerina hippos from FANTASIA.


No motherfuckers gonna fuck with me when I’m sporting this ink, bitch.

20. The entire lyrics to OH MICKEY.

21. "The HOLOCAUST – It IS a big deal."

22. The words "I’m having a bad hair day," over a picture of me with the top of my head cut off and my brain exposed. The backstory, which you can’t see, is that I’ve been in a terrible car wreck and I’m not thinking right.

23. Marvin Gaye’s dad hugging him and crying and looking remorseful. In heaven.

24. "I’m into women’s lib… if by lib you mean ‘pussies’."

25. Ikea shelf assembly instructions.

26. Waldo mixed in amongst all those people packed in the Superdome after Katrina.

27. "HAPPY EASTER!" with the Easter Bunny peeking out from behind the letters (probably too seasonal).

28. "AIDS Forever!"

29. Pam and Jim from THE OFFICE: "JAM Forever!" (this would be especially inappropriate).

30. A pair of Crocs.

31. Pictures of all the fetuses my friend Claire aborted besides pictures of what I think they might have ended up looking like as kids, and what they might have been named beneath them (Jason, Matt, Autumn, Spazz, etc. Spazz would be a nickname, but that’s what everyone would call him.)

32. Grim reaper.

33. My dog, Dr. Wesley Von Spears, tearing into a zebra on the plains of Africa (wait a second – this one’s AWESOME!)

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