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Again, all photo credits go to John Sampson. Top row, left to right: Jessica, Marissa, Lindsay, Sarah, Tanedra. Bottom row: Kylah, Lina, Angela, Michelle.

I’m going to be honest here. And I’m going to trust VH1 won’t be mad at me. They know I loved doing the show, and they know I think the show is great. But for all of you folks to believe me, I have to be honest about what I DIDN’T like as well…

And I was incredibly bummed when I found out I had to TAKE PHOTOS for my challenge in Episode Two. In fact, if I hadn’t been such a whiny little bitch on set the week before (due to my ComiCon exhaustion, and also due to being kind of a dick for real), I probably would have caused some shit about it. After all, I’m a director, not a photographer. This wasn’t a fucking modeling competition.

And, to be completely frank, I thought it was time for Kylah to go. Yes, I loved her crazy femme fatale pulp novel cover cartoonishly voluptuous look. But she was, to me, clearly, the least able actress on the show. I didn’t think there was a chance in hell she could end up being cast in SAW 6.

And now VH1 was telling me we were having a fucking modeling competition! I get it – it’s fun for the folks at home! It’s a great reality segment! But it also seemed tailor-made for the photogenic Kylah, which meant I’d have to end up kicking off one of the less photogenic girls with some real acting talent.

(All this said, Kylah could in fact be the next fucking Meryl Streep. I don’t know. I’m not God. I just base my opinions on the information available to me.)

Well, as you know by now – you’ve hopefully seen the episode – even this couldn’t help Kylah. Kylah seems to be a good model – I’ve seen her photos online – but when asked to muster the single emotion I was looking for in this challenge, she just couldn’t do it. As hard as it was to believe, she was even worse than when she talked.

So, in the end, VH1, I guess I was sorta wrong, and you were sorta right. In fact, this ended up being the easiest elimination in my entire eight weeks on the show. For one reason, Kylah was the ONLY ONE who wasn’t good, making the judges’ decision all that much easier. AND I think it was fun for you guys to watch.

That, however, does not mean I want to do a photo challenge in SCREAM QUEENS II.

That’s it for easy weeks, however. Kicking girls off became increasingly difficult for me after this.

Now, because I have one episode of SPARKY AND MIKAELA to shoot and three episodes of PG PORN to prepare, I don’t have much time for forming anymore paragraphs and segues and whatnot –


— I love that little midget saying my name. Supposedly, that chick played an Ewok!

— The girls were honestly freaked out on the midget. No feigning here. Tanedra took of her shoe and swatted at her! That’s correct: TANEDRA TRIED TO HIT A MIDGET WITH HER SHOE BECAUSE IT WAS DRESSED LIKE A DOLL. Why are people watching fucking SURVIVOR?

— I was very excited to see that one of my more favorite lines made it into this episode, addressed to Kylah: "It looks like you’re having a B.M." I was very afraid that the producers were going to take it out, as many people don’t know what a "B.M." is (it’s a "bowel movement’.) But the Gunn kids never used another word for shit or poop growing up. So I dedicate that line, and all my actual bowel movements for the day, to my mother.

— Me: "What do they have you doing this week, John?" Homa: "They have me pushing a fucking button and taking pictures!" One of my great joys on the show was Homa’s unceasing discomfort with every aspect of this job, and yet somehow still kicking ass at it.

— There might be something wrong with me, because I laughed hysterically when John Homa asked Tanedra what the worst thing she ever saw was and she answered, "Me, getting hit by a truck." I honestly laughed for a full five minutes. I was in the production office with one of the creators, Biagio Messina, when I saw it. He gawked at me with a confused smile, like I was a sociopath.

— A clarification: It’s not that I find it funny that Tanedra got hit by a truck. That’s only funny when it happens to someone I don’t know and love. But the wording of it, dear Jesus, it’s one of the most hilarious fucking things I’ve ever heard. Did anyone else laugh when they heard that but me?

— When I came to set the day after Homa’s challenge, Biagio did impressions for me of Kylah’s eighteen different facial expressions that all looked the same, and Jessica’s eighteen different facial expressions that all looked different, but also all looked like a crazy woman about to eat a baby. I fell down laughing.

— I was struck by how much more confident and at ease Lindsay looked when she came to set with her new look. Those of you who know me, know that I’m gay in almost every aspect of my personality except the liking-to-fuck-girls part, and won’t be surprised that I marveled at her fabulous hairstyle.

— I was also struck by how hot Marissa looked with her dark hair – but, despite that, she looked uncomfortable.

— As I said, every actress except Kylah did well in the Director’s Challenge. But I would also say every actress did GREAT, except Kylah and Marissa. Marissa seemed uptight, and it was difficult to be around.

— Guys, let’s just stop for a moment and bow our heads in honor of how fucking sexy Michelle looked in her bikini. Perhaps she was as bitchy to me as she comes off on the show, but I just don’t remember it because her bikini memory-erased me like that thingie the Men in Black have. I guess I’m not as gay as I think.

— It’s not true, as Lina stated, that Angela had the easiest photo. I gave her a lot of very specific directions of how to do a bad-photo-fake-smile while she posed in the wedding dress. It’s the smile a figure skater has at the end of routine after having fallen a few times, and Angela executed it perfectly. She was funny, and great.

— Lina DID have the crappiest costume in terms of how it felt. But Marissa had the crappiest costume in terms of how it looked.

— Lina’s performance was great, but her movie poster looks a little bit too much like Japanese porn (not HER fault, though). Then again, how can anything look TOO MUCH like Japanese porn?

— Lindsay was great too. I perhaps agree that the photo we used wasn’t the best of her. But she was amazing in the room, and took all my notes completely. The girls applauded for her when she was through.

— I also loved Sarah in the BLOOD SKATE poster. In fact, it’s my favorite poster of all of them. I liked it so much that one of the creators, Joke Fincioen, sent it to me so that I could have it on my cell phone.

— And I really liked working with Sarah too. After a couple challenges, she was pretty much my favorite to work with.

— I did absolutely no planning before these photo shoots. So as each girl came onto set, I would have to make up what the story of the movie was about in the moment. The plot lines became increasingly ridiculous. People on set seemed to like the story of Jessica’s the best, where she had fallen down the stairs into a big pile of her dead, dismembered family.

— Speaking of which, Jessica was fantastic too – way, way better than the week before.

— I truly did hear from the makeup department and the crew that Lina was a diva. That shit bugs the hell out of me. If she’s a pain in the ass now, what was she going to be like when she got a little fame from winning this competition? My warning in the Grand Ballroom was a real one: if I heard at all that she wasn’t working well with the crew, she would be gone. It didn’t matter how talented she was. I wasn’t going to saddle the producers of SAW 6 with that headache.

— Marissa’s story was different, but could be as potentially deleterious to SAW 6. I could tell she was emotionally and intellectually spiraling. This type of fear is toxic on a set. I had a hard time confronting her in the room, because I really liked Marissa as a person, and thought she had talent. But I saw her constantly second guessing herself, and that’s the last thing an actor needs. As commercial artists – whether we’re actors, writers, directors, or whatever – we need to 100% fully immerse ourselves in a job, and yet 100% fully not give a shit. That’s the paradox we face every day. I wasn’t sure Marissa was going to be able to do that.

Will she? Will Lina shape her ass up? Will Michelle continue to hypnotize me with a bikini and make it through to the end on abs alone? Will Sarah and Lindsay continue to kick ass in the acting challenges? Will Jessica take the natural step from making a baby-eating face to actually eating a baby? And why the hell didn’t Tanedra’s performance stand out enough this week to mention? And, most of all, which contestant will say which other contestant "looks Jewish" as a putdown?

James Gunn


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