Dec 27, 2008
FUCK YOU, TARGET!
Thanks for trying to kill me, Target.
My dog, Dr. Wesley Von Spears, loves toys. He loves them so much he’ll knows most of them specifically by name (such as the famous and sexy "Saliva Bear", the background photo on my home page.)
He’ll easily pass up food for a chance at playing with a new toy. So, of course, he loves Christmas, and will bother whomever is opening gifts around him in the hope it’s a new toy for himself.
This year, Von Spears found "Lamb" in his stocking:
Von Spears doesn’t care that Lamb is retarded. He loves him anyway. He also loves such toys as Froggy:
Will blow you for a quarter.
And Happy Gay Octopus:
Cannot marry in California. Or anywhere, as he does not have a brain.
The good Doctor was also pleased to find this sweet pack of squeaky toys in his stocking, as squeaky toys are some of his favorites:
I bought these toys at Target. Little did I know that TARGET WAS INTENT ON MURDERING MY DOG. Because, within minutes of Von Spears receiving the first toy from the bag, the spectacularly sculpted "fire hydrant", it looked like this:
That’s right. As I write this, little plastic pieces of fire hydrant are traveling through my dog’s colon. Target sold me pet toys that almost instantly disintegrate in an animal’s mouth. And Von Spears isn’t one of those little dudes that quickly destroys any toys he receives – in fact he’s never destroyed a toy before in his life. The only ones that have fallen apart at all are after years of playing with them. He’s quite gentle with his toys, because he wants them to last and he knows they’re retarded. He’s ridiculously gentle with his toys, so I know there isn’t a dog alive that wouldn’t chew these crap Target toys to shreds in seconds.
So this very short blog is simply to say FUCK YOU, TARGET, YOU PIECES OF SHIT! I can’t wait for you to get this in your Google News updates! That’s right – I’m gunning for YOU, minimum-wage-Target-employee-who-checks-their-Google-News-updates! That’ll show you, fucker!
As for the rest of you, I implore you all to buy your pet supplies somewhere that doesn’t sell unsafe and defective toys. Target is the kind of store that would hold down your dog and mouth-rape it – which is about the worst kind of store I can imagine. After Successories.
Happy New Year, everybody!
PS You can still watch Von Spears’ role as "Snoupy" in the PG PORN: PEANUS episodes HERE..
PPS And watch SPARKY AND MIKAELA on XBOX this Wednesday, December 31st!
PPPS – All that shit about those toys is TRUE!
PPPPS Many of you have been asking about Von Spears’ welfare and, yes, he seems like his regular playful self. Unless you are a Target lawyer checking to see if we have a case, in which case HE IS ON CRUTCHES and IN A NECK BRACE (that he will be wearing in public from now on.)
Know when I’m drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or realizing, as fucked up as it sounds, that Terra Naomi is pregnant with a unicorn on TWITTER.
© 2008 – 2009, James Gunn. All rights reserved.