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Sophia Loren Looked Like a Fucking Clown: The 81st Annual Academy Awards

What the fuck is wrong with Hollywood? I don’t care if someone wants to do a little nip/tuck, make your boobs a little bigger or smaller, even Botox. But last night’s Academy Awards was a parade of body self-hatred. Halfway through the show, I posted on my Twitter Page: Watching Sophia Loren and Nicole Kidman having a tranny contest.

One of my fellow Twitterers responded, “Oh come on, Sophia Loren looks pretty good for 74.”

No. God no. If I’m married when I’m older, you know what I want to look across the table and see: AN OLD WOMAN. Not some pathetic person trying to shove her face through a fucking Coke bottle.

And Nicole Kidman isn’t even that old. Since when did she decide she’d look better as William Shatner’s giant alien baby?

And all the other shrunken apple heads filling the auditorium were no better: Shirley Maclaine, Mickey Rourke, Goldie Hawn, etc, etc. These were people I looked up to as a kid. It’s getting seriously out of fucking control.

Besides that and Beyonce’s awkward lip syncing, it was a pretty decent Academy Awards show. It went quickly, and it was painless, but there were few memorable moments.

I cried during Dustin Lance Black’s speech about gay kids having hope. I was never a gay kid, but I was a “totally gay” kid, which I think makes me sort of like an ancillary queer. As a kid, I got all of the shit for being gay and none of the actual penis. But it was honestly a beautiful speech.

And SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE didn’t deserve to win all those awards, and it certainly didn’t deserve the big prize – the third act was a silly, trite mess. But they all seemed like very nice people so I was happy to see them win.

But my FAVORITE thing about the 81st Annual Academy Awards? It was the California Pizza Kitchen pear and gorgonzola pizza I ate while watching it. Now that was some good shit, and it pretty much made up for THE WRESTLER not being nominated for best film.

Either tomorrow or the next day I’ll be back here with a brand new list, 100 COMPLETELY OVERRATED THINGS, designed to thrill and infuriate you, as well as some exciting announcements.

See you then,

James


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  • To me, it was all about that fuckin’ Tron stage. They might as well have had that CNN hologram with a CGIed Goldie Hawn and company.



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