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MONKEY JERKED OFF ON KID

So a couple weeks ago I was at Pete Alton’s engagement part and I was hanging out with my friend Mary Matthews who does all the costumes for PG PORN.  Since we were going to be working with a cat soon while shooting PG PORN: HIGH POON, we started exchanging on-set animal stories.

There is nothing – and I mean nothing – I love in the world more than animals.  I’ve befriended quite a few animal trainers just so I can hang out with lions, raindeer, bears, hawks, wolves, elephants, etc.  These interactions are some of the greatest moments of my life.  Like these: 

 

That said, I pretty much dread working with animals on set, as they are all pains in the asses.  Each one is its own little Val Kilmer.  The only exception, perhaps, are dogs, because they’re so easily trained.  On SCOOBY-DOO 2 we worked with a Rhodesian Ridgeback that wasn’t even trained and even it was pretty easy to work with.

Other animals suck however.  In SLiTHER, I had to cut a scene from the beginning of the film, primarily because it was supposed to involve a deer hopping around inside a house.  I didn’t know while writing the script that deer don’t generally hop around – they either stand there getting pet and eating, or they dart in terror.  That’s it for the life of a deer.  So the scene ended up being a bit boring, and two days of shooting went down the drain. 

And don’t get me started on the kitten at the end of SLiTHER, which was supposed to have been born and trained especially for the purpose of being in the movie.  That thing was cute as fuck, sure, but it was also a complete prick that didn’t give a shit about being on film.  All it needed to do was walk up to Grant Grant’s brain and sniff it.  Instead it seemed to instinctively know what the camera’s framing was and made it its sole purpose to skip off camera every time we started filming.

For two and a half hours.

I’ve found the same to be true about big cats, birds, bears and so on.  One interesting animal is the squirrel, which animals trainers tell me is the hardest animal to work with, because they are such intense assholes.  Animal trainers joke about how you only need one trainer to take an off-leash grizzly bear on set, but it takes five trainers in mitts and face masks to deal with a squirrel. 

But Mary’s story kicked the ass of any of mine.  This is it:

Mary was the costumer for the film MAX KEEBLE’S BIG MOVE, starring my old pal Jamie Kennedy.  There was a monkey on set.  Monkeys are another notoriously difficult animal.  One trainer told me tigers are easy in comparison, because they’re completely food-driven.  You offer a tiger food for a task, and if it can figure it out, it will do it.  Monkeys are smarter, and what gives them pleasure isn’t always knowable.  Sometimes throwing an M&M in your eye and watching you in pain is a greater reward to a monkey than just eating the M&M.  So this makes them unpredictable.

Anyway, the monkey on MAX KEEBLE’S BIG MOVE walked over a table to one of the kid actors on set, looked at the kid, and started masturbating right at him.  The trainer, who was ten feet away or so, yelled out "NOOOO!!!" and ran toward the monkey.  (Obviously, he’d seen the onanistic little bastard do his thing before, and knew what was coming – no pun intended.)

The trainer was too late.  It only took the monkey a few seconds to bring himself to completion. A string of semen shot out of the mini-monkey-wood and splash-landed DIRECTLY ON THE KID.

Screaming and freaking out commenced.  

I know it might be sick, but that story makes me extremely happy.

Here’s another pic from PG PORN: HELPFUL BUS:

 Craig Robinson as Havana Bob, Bree Olson as Pretty Trashy, and Sean Gunn as Jason in PG PORN: HELPFUL BUS

Watch it this Tuesday, March 17, on Spike.com/pgporn.

If all goes well, I’ll be back Monday with an even more offensive blog.

XXOO+++ (the + signs are stabs in your neck),

James

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