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22 CRAPPY THINGS JESUS HAS DONE

Sure, Jesus has done a lot of incredible stuff.  I hear people talking about it all the time: “Thank you, Jesus, for this meal we’re about to eat,” or “Wow, the Grand Canyon is just astounding – how can you look at that and not believe in God?”   I’m not denying Jesus all that good shit.  I’m way into many of his works.  But if he’s responsible for the good, you can’t just let him slide on the bad, can you?  There are A LOT of things that piss me off as well.  Here are just a few:

1.    Jesus made balloons make that irritating squeaky sound. If Jesus was more awesome, two balloons rubbing together would make the sound of a rainforest falling or a woman coming.

2.    When I was sixteen, a big Hell’s Angel dude on a motorcycle cut me off.  I drove up beside him, opened my window, and yelled, “Motorcycle riders suck my cock!”  At the next stoplight the dude got off his motorcycle AND PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!  If Jesus hadn’t made me say that thing about motorcycle riders that never would have happened.  Thanks a heap, Jesus Christ!

3.    Also when I was sixteen, I was dry-humping Sarah Baumgartner in my car in her parents’ driveway, when Jesus made me come in my pants by accident.  I pretended like it didn’t happen and had to drive the whole way home with ooky cum-pants. When I walked in my house, guess who Jesus made sitting there? My mother!  I had to have a conversation with my Mom while watery semen is spilling down my legs, all the while hoping she doesn’t see the huge wet splotch on the front of my jeans, put there by – you guessed it – Jesus.

4.    That band, Candlebox.  Jesus made them meet each other and decide to form a crappy band.

5.    Gave me gonorrhea.

6.    Seriously, if I was Jesus, when a black widow spider bit you, you’d get a pretty cool, low-level superpower.  Instead Jesus uses black widow spiders to kill dogs in a park near my house. 

7.    Jesus made me never fuck Josie Maran.

8.    Von Spears, my dog, does pretty much no chores around the house.  If he could just do one thing: the dishes, grabbing something from the other room when I need it, work the DVR, then it’d be easier to rationalize my feeding, bathing, and overall servitude to him.  Jesus essentially made Von Spears completely useless.

9.    I admit it.  I love watching American Idol.  When I see it’s been recorded, I get excited, and can’t wait to watch it.  My cooler friends say to me, “What the fuck is wrong with you?  How can you like that piece of shit?” But it’s not my fault Jesus made me like it so much.  He’s the one who made me a little bit of a moron.

10.    Jesus made Monsignor Obman, the pastor at my childhood church, give the boys in my class beer and show them porn and Jesus knows what else.  That is one sick fucking Sims game you’re playing with our lives, dude.

11.    Every time I’m wiping my butt and I get a little big of poop on my hand it’s like a big “Fuck you, James!” from the Messiah.

12.    Sometimes you see a pretty girl and you think, Wow, she’s so pretty, I might really like to get to know her better, and then you look down and see Jesus gave her a ginormous ass that’s way too big for her body.

Jesus made this dumb shit hooky.

13.    When Jesus puts a Katy Perry song in my head, I want to hogtie him and torture him.  But I know he’s Jesus and he’d just use the ropes like Dr. Octopus-arms or something, and I’d be royally effed.  If you’re going to have an arch-enemy, you honestly don’t want it to be Jesus Christ.  Way too many powers.  In light of that, Jesus, please take this list as constructive criticism.

14.    Creationists.

15.    Jesus gave me a cocaine problem when I was nineteen years old.  What the hell, dude?!!  A nineteen-year-old can’t afford all that coke!

16.    Right now I’m hungry as hell, and it’s an hour and a half till lunch.  I’m not real appreciative of these munchies, Son of God.

17.    When I was still a teenager, I got a chance to see my favorite band, The Replacements, in concert, and Jesus made them so drunk they could hardly stand up.

18.    Jesus made me think I would be at least okay at marriage, when in fact I was quite terrible at it.  In fact, let’s just make this one false hope in general.

19.    Every once in a while, while screwing, the Son of God gives me a Charley horse in my foot.

20.    Jesus demanded that Hurricane Katrina kill all those people, so soon after he gave Osama Bin Laden the idea to take down the Twin Towers.  Sure, I understand that every once in a while Jesus needs to do some incredibly fucked up shit to keep us on our toes.  But so close together?  Really, Jesus?  That seems in pretty damn bad taste.

21.    And don’t even get me started on the financial crisis.  Thanks for making Bernie Madoff such a dick, Jesus.  (I’m being facetious.)

22.    All of you that are being offended by this blog right now. Jesus made you get offended AND he made me write this blog.  Both of those things are completely messed.


On the other hand, Jesus made the Larry Sanders Show, and Yosemite National Park, and
a monkey jerk off on that kid.  So he isn’t all bad.

James


MEANWHILE,

we’re going to be having more contests coming up here at JamesGunn.com, including giving away SLiTHER scripts signed by the whole SLiTHER cast, including Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rooker, Jenna Fischer, and Gregg Henry.  BUT you have to be signed up at the site so you can comment in the blogs to win.  So if you want to win one of those suckers GO SIGN UP NOW.  Totally. Fucking. Free.

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© 2009, James Gunn. All rights reserved.

Category: LISTS

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  • Kyung-Min Joo

    When Jesus come you will be judged
    because you said bad things of 22 

  • Pingback: The Top 25 Blogs of the Year on JamesGunn.com | JamesGunn.com - Official Website for James Gunn()

  • If Jesus was really awesome, he’d make me win that SLiTHER script. Then I could brag to all of my friends that Jesus does, in fact, love me more than them.

  • No ones mentioned the fact that Jesus made mouse turds look exactly like those yummy chocolate cupcake sprinkles? So, I’m the only one then…nevermind, I made that up. Seriously! I did!
    DONT YOU JUDGE ME!

  • Kauritree

    Jesus inspired Stevie Wonder to make “I just called to say I love you”, it was his idea of a joke. You weren’t suppose to LOVE IT so much. Even now, 30 odd years later, the bastard still gets air time. Grrrrr. As for Creationists, Jesus must have been having a “I think I need a hug” day when he created that.

  • quinngq007

    Really? American Idol? I am surprised…but I won’t hold it against you since it’s really Jesus’s fault.

  • what a great list.

    I think this blog should be printed and inserted into all Bibles sold in the world from here on out.

    Jesus is just all right with me… (note that olddd song does not say “Jesus is just totally fucking super cool to me…”) … but I am less than impressed with most of his worshippers.

    I realized I am fucking addicted to fucking ellipses. Guess I better get over it…

  • Dammit. apparently jesus thought it would be hilarious to make me a girl interesting enough to make guys think I’m awesome to hang out with, but to ugly to fuck. Thanks a bunch Jesus.

  • westicle

    I wish jesus would put more ugly people in major films and far less palm trees.

  • Tracy!

    Being sixteen was not a good time for you, was it? Jesus made me fail my biology exam today & made my teacher put science terms on there that wasn’t in any of the notes/textbook!

  • SteveGJ

    Jesus made me realise that the last 21 jokes and all the comments, including this one, are basically just repetitions of the same first with minor variations thereby saving me a lot of time on reading and thinking up a reply. I think in IT it’s called an algorithm.

  • KimMesser

    dude. fuck katy perry. i cringe when i hear her. the sad thing is i know she knows she’s a taletless twat. she’s just making shite songs for a paycheck.
    fuck madoff.
    and i’m sorry you can’t fuck Josie Maran. i truly am.

  • Troy, I love shitting.

  • Troy

    And why did Jesus make us have to shit everyday. Why not make us only take in the exact amount of nutrition from food and have our bodies absorb all waste products. Then we’d never have to sit in the fucking bathroom and smell shit. Thanks Jesus! If I was a robot I’d never have to eat, drink or sleep. And I could just run a program called something like “weed” or “vodka” or “meth” whenever I want to feel funny. And if the cops pulled me over I could just kill the program and never get arrested. Why didn’t Jesus make us robots?

  • brianajustine

    I feel the need to add one more crappy thing from the female perspective. Menstruation, really Jesus, really??? I mean, you couldn’t find another way to aid in the gestation process??? It’s a fucking nuisance and once a month, too! You’re fucking killing me here. For a week, us ladies have to deal with bleeding from our twat, abdominal cramps, backache, headache, bitchiness, etc, etc, etc. Not to mention, that it kills our sex life, too, which also affects the men. So, yeah thanks Jesus. Thanks a lot!

  • Listen dude, you can bitch all you want about J-Sizzle, but at least he’s out doing things. You know who was just plain worthless? Buddha. If that guy was on earth now, he’d be on welfare. Loser.

  • ccshoes

    Man, that Jesus guy sounds like a real dick! And also, I’m not cooler, nor are we friends, but really, what the fuck IS wrong with you?

  • Terra – I was meaning to tell you…

  • Jesus is on my shit list today too. He made my boss fire me and my sister, and he’s making my dad need chemo. Not cool.

  • Marc

    I was bitten by a Black Widow Spider. It gave me the superpower of projectile vomiting, I also could feel the strata in my bone marrow.

    Jesus gave you gonorrhea? You fucked Jesus?

    You should totally put that on your resume.

  • Poor Jesus, getting blamed for everything! ;)

  • WTF.
    Gonorrhea?
    SO not the kind of thing you want to find out about in a blog.
    I wonder if Jesus gave it to me now, too?
    Thanks a lot, Jesus (and James).

  • Not to mention Jesus gave these mother fuckers the idea to kill people. YEAH I realize we are overpopulated but that is one fucked up idea.

  • I blame Jesus for sloppy joe’s being way overrated – that crap is just ketchup in a can. And while I’m at it, I also blame him for ketchup and catsup – what the hell is THAT about???

  • ThatGermanGuy

    I don’t know. I may be in the minority, but I think French (language) is the most un-erotic. It’s way to nasal and annoys the shit out of me. Another thing that Jesus fucked up.

  • Bill Pardys Doppelganger

    It’s also the least erotic sounding language, a real boner killer.

  • ThatGermanGuy

    Or thousands of uniformed Germans at the same time. But that’s a different topic…

  • ThatGermanGuy

    What if he put YOU in the wrong timezone? And German is only scary when Klaus Kinski speaks it.

  • Bill Pardys Doppelganger

    It’s a scary language.

  • Bill Pardys Doppelganger

    And made him German.

  • He also put you in the wrong fucking time zone!

  • ThatGermanGuy

    I know more than 25 things. But it’s a good list anyway. Except for the photo of the spider. I’m highly arachnophobic and reading a blog about Jesus and suddenly coming across of a photo of such a fucking fuckspider without a warning, will keep me awake for a while.
    BTW, please let the next contests run long enough to let people from other timezones participate. I missed your poster contest because I was sleeping then.
    Wow, Jesus made me complain a lot today. :)

  • JCinPBC

    This is like the running joke in my house. Whenever there’s a plane crash, tornado that wipes out an entire town and kills shitloads of people, bus crash, etc., etc., I always yell out, “Where Jesus at?” and we all laugh. This is why I dig you… you get it!

  • Bill Pardys Doppelganger

    I find the answer to usually be whiskey Tommy.

    Jesus is taking my hair, and well that is not cool.

  • There is a lot of evidence in neurobiology now that “free will” is largely an illusion. Apparently, our “conscious choice” to do something -say move your finger whenever you want- actually comes AFTER the signal to move your finger.

    If this is true, who is really responsible for all that dumb shit we all do? … yup. That’s right. Jesus made me write this. My apparent free will is just Jesus LOLing at my expense.

  • I believe Jesus is responsible for giving the ability to the shit-heads who call me every day at work to piss and moan about how bad their medical insurance suddenly is despite the fact they have been paying $250 a month for the past three years and didn’t have a problem until they became aware that they were responsible for the $40 lab charge on their chlamydia test last July.

    Not that I hold a grudge or anything.

  • That Jesus dude sounds like a real cocksucker.

  • Yes, I am sorry Jesus made me a dick and change the number from 25 to 22.

  • Oh fine. Now Jesus made you change it to “22 Things…” to make ME seem foolish. Thankns a whole lot, Jesus!

  • Jesus also made you only put 22 things in your “25 Crappy Things Jesus Has Done” list. Even if you count that as #23, Jesus still shorted us all at least 2 items that were promised in your list.



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