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22 CRAPPY THINGS JESUS HAS DONE

Sure, Jesus has done a lot of incredible stuff.  I hear people talking about it all the time: “Thank you, Jesus, for this meal we’re about to eat,” or “Wow, the Grand Canyon is just astounding – how can you look at that and not believe in God?”   I’m not denying Jesus all that good shit.  I’m way into many of his works.  But if he’s responsible for the good, you can’t just let him slide on the bad, can you?  There are A LOT of things that piss me off as well.  Here are just a few:

1.    Jesus made balloons make that irritating squeaky sound. If Jesus was more awesome, two balloons rubbing together would make the sound of a rainforest falling or a woman coming.

2.    When I was sixteen, a big Hell’s Angel dude on a motorcycle cut me off.  I drove up beside him, opened my window, and yelled, “Motorcycle riders suck my cock!”  At the next stoplight the dude got off his motorcycle AND PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!  If Jesus hadn’t made me say that thing about motorcycle riders that never would have happened.  Thanks a heap, Jesus Christ!

3.    Also when I was sixteen, I was dry-humping Sarah Baumgartner in my car in her parents’ driveway, when Jesus made me come in my pants by accident.  I pretended like it didn’t happen and had to drive the whole way home with ooky cum-pants. When I walked in my house, guess who Jesus made sitting there? My mother!  I had to have a conversation with my Mom while watery semen is spilling down my legs, all the while hoping she doesn’t see the huge wet splotch on the front of my jeans, put there by – you guessed it – Jesus.

4.    That band, Candlebox.  Jesus made them meet each other and decide to form a crappy band.

5.    Gave me gonorrhea.

6.    Seriously, if I was Jesus, when a black widow spider bit you, you’d get a pretty cool, low-level superpower.  Instead Jesus uses black widow spiders to kill dogs in a park near my house. 

7.    Jesus made me never fuck Josie Maran.

8.    Von Spears, my dog, does pretty much no chores around the house.  If he could just do one thing: the dishes, grabbing something from the other room when I need it, work the DVR, then it’d be easier to rationalize my feeding, bathing, and overall servitude to him.  Jesus essentially made Von Spears completely useless.

9.    I admit it.  I love watching American Idol.  When I see it’s been recorded, I get excited, and can’t wait to watch it.  My cooler friends say to me, “What the fuck is wrong with you?  How can you like that piece of shit?” But it’s not my fault Jesus made me like it so much.  He’s the one who made me a little bit of a moron.

10.    Jesus made Monsignor Obman, the pastor at my childhood church, give the boys in my class beer and show them porn and Jesus knows what else.  That is one sick fucking Sims game you’re playing with our lives, dude.

11.    Every time I’m wiping my butt and I get a little big of poop on my hand it’s like a big “Fuck you, James!” from the Messiah.

12.    Sometimes you see a pretty girl and you think, Wow, she’s so pretty, I might really like to get to know her better, and then you look down and see Jesus gave her a ginormous ass that’s way too big for her body.

Jesus made this dumb shit hooky.

13.    When Jesus puts a Katy Perry song in my head, I want to hogtie him and torture him.  But I know he’s Jesus and he’d just use the ropes like Dr. Octopus-arms or something, and I’d be royally effed.  If you’re going to have an arch-enemy, you honestly don’t want it to be Jesus Christ.  Way too many powers.  In light of that, Jesus, please take this list as constructive criticism.

14.    Creationists.

15.    Jesus gave me a cocaine problem when I was nineteen years old.  What the hell, dude?!!  A nineteen-year-old can’t afford all that coke!

16.    Right now I’m hungry as hell, and it’s an hour and a half till lunch.  I’m not real appreciative of these munchies, Son of God.

17.    When I was still a teenager, I got a chance to see my favorite band, The Replacements, in concert, and Jesus made them so drunk they could hardly stand up.

18.    Jesus made me think I would be at least okay at marriage, when in fact I was quite terrible at it.  In fact, let’s just make this one false hope in general.

19.    Every once in a while, while screwing, the Son of God gives me a Charley horse in my foot.

20.    Jesus demanded that Hurricane Katrina kill all those people, so soon after he gave Osama Bin Laden the idea to take down the Twin Towers.  Sure, I understand that every once in a while Jesus needs to do some incredibly fucked up shit to keep us on our toes.  But so close together?  Really, Jesus?  That seems in pretty damn bad taste.

21.    And don’t even get me started on the financial crisis.  Thanks for making Bernie Madoff such a dick, Jesus.  (I’m being facetious.)

22.    All of you that are being offended by this blog right now. Jesus made you get offended AND he made me write this blog.  Both of those things are completely messed.


On the other hand, Jesus made the Larry Sanders Show, and Yosemite National Park, and
a monkey jerk off on that kid.  So he isn’t all bad.

James


MEANWHILE,

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