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11 Even Worse Songs of All Time

As I’ve been putting together these lists of Worst Songs, one question recurs: How do you define "worst"?  Some people think of "worst" as songs that are the most painful to listen to.  Others think they’re the songs that you hate, but still get stuck in your head.  Others insist they’re the songs that make you cringe with embarrassment when you watch them being performed, or the awful songs being performed with such cockiness and pretension it makes you want to strangle the person performing it (i.e. Creed).  Me, I think it’s ALL of those things.  So the songs below are chosen for different reasons. I’ll make no pretense that they’re ACTUALLY the 11 Worst Songs of All Time – I think that’s an impossible list to make.  That said, I still present you with –

THE 11 WORST SONGS OF ALL TIME

 

11. THE WRESTLEROCK RUMBLE – The AWA Roster

What’s worse than the Superbowl Shuffle?  This horrifying rip off of the Superbowl Shuffle by the AWA all-stars, in which many of the professional wrestlers amazingly seem to be trying to make a decision on whether they’re actually going to rap or not WHILE they’re rapping.  It’s the musical equivalent of fucking while flaccid.

 

10. SURRENDER – Trixter

We needed a hair metal song on this list, and I knew that had to be Trixster’s Surrender.  What makes Surrender leap out as an awful song isn’t that it’s the most displeasing to the ears, but that it strings together every single cliche of desperate-to-be-commercial hair metal in one song.  The lyrics, the chord progressions, the look of the band, everything ties together in an almost masterful orchestra of cliches.  Take just the lyrics, for instance – "Dreams that won’t come true" + "I’ll never know why I left you standing in the rain" + "It’s drivin’ me insane" are in the FIRST VERSE alone.  And every line that isn’t a cliche is repugnantly awful – "Sometimes we raise our guns of pain"????  There doesn’t seem to be an ounce of sincerity or originality in this song; every single moment is constructed to create what at the time was supposed to be a "hit song" – "Trixster" is simply an amalgamation of all the successful hair metal bands that came before them.  Sometimes God is good and, thankfully, Trixster didn’t succeed.

 

9. BEEN AROUND THE WORLD – Puff Daddy and Mase

In terms of Puff Daddy’s musical talent, he’s at his best when he’s comparing Popeye’s to KFC.  I almost put Deion Sanders’ Must Be the Money in this slot, then realized I’d much rather listen to that song than this fermented turd.  Deion Sanders is twice the rapper Puff Daddy ever was or ever will be.  I swear to God, it seems the musical and vocal tracks were recorded completely independently of each other on this thing. 

 

8. TREAT YOUR MOTHER RIGHT – Mr. T

I like to imagine that Mr. T was completely sincere in recording this song. He was just really sick of people making Yo Mama jokes, and needed to make a statement about it.  He woke up one morning and wasn’t going to put up with that shit anymore.  And then he walked in and recorded this thing.  He didn’t even have to write down the lyrics or nothin’ – the words just flowed from his mouth as if inspired by God.  Afterwards, he fucked Robin Givens, but respectfully.

 

7. DANGER ZONE –  Kenny Loggins

K-Log made the list because this is a rarely-mentioned worst-of-80’s pop classic, and because it gets stuck in your head like a parasitic brain-bug, but mostly because of the scientific fact that every time someone plays Danger Zone somewhere a baby is raped.

 

6. CITY OF CRIME – Dan Akroyd and Tom Hanks

For some reason, people who would never dream of trying to belt out a song like Barbara Streisand aren’t embarrassed at all to rap as if they’re fucking Rakim.  To people who listen to hip hop, this mauling of the form is incredibly irritating.  Therefore, a lot of my least-faves are hip hop songs by famous people who can’t rap.  Of the offenders, Tom Hanks is about the worst (Dan Akroyd is a little better… in the same way losing your cock and one testicle is better than losing your cock and both testicles.)

 

5. I CAN’T DANCE – Genesis

Other songs are on here because they’re grating, cringe-inducing, or funny.   But Genesis’s I Can’t Dance is the only song on here because it’s boring.  I can’t imagine anyone ever actually taking the time to record this fucking thing.  Phil Collins and Genesis are no strangers to putrid songs: Sussudio and Illegal Alien are other great offenders.  But I Can’t Dance is the perpetually leaky sink in our communal musical soul – drip, drip, drip, drip, drip (times infinity).

 

 

4. GRAY DAYS – Mark Gormley

I’m guessing Mark Gormley was going through a particularly difficult time when he wrote and sang this piece of shit.  And then, here I go, making matters worse by putting him on this list.  I know you people think I’m heartless, but I feel guilty about this stuff all the time. That said, let me make fun of his outfit for a second.  Dude, you know you’re going in to shoot a video for your song, and THAT is what you choose to wear?  How the fuck does that even happen? 

 

3. HOLIDAY RAP – DJ Sven and MC Miker G

"I can understand the things most rappers say, ‘Cuz rap is my thing and I do it every day" – that’s an actual line!  It is kind of touching that these two dudes love to sweetly rap about going away on a holiday together and boofing each other.  But their lyrics make the Sugarhill Gang (and Trixter) seem like Proust.

 

2. MY PAL FOOT FOOT – The Shaggs

My Pal Foot Foot falls under the "painful to listen to" category.  The Shaggs were an all girl-kids’ band from the late 60’s who were like a lot of other kids’ bands from the same era, as they couldn’t play worth shit, and their songs were a cacophonous mess.  The only difference was, they actually had the perseverance to record a whole album.  Later many folks called this album an avant garde classic of outsider music.  A way to describe the people who said this would be "pretentious buffoons".  The music is awful. It should disappear forever. I would put it at number one, but I don’t want it to receive more attention than it already has.

That’s why, I’ve chosen as my number one Very Worst Song of All Time –

 

1. TINY GIANT – Jeff Steinberg

Jeff is the only one on this list with a superpower: mechanical hands.  Thank God he’s got that going for him, because his musical abilities leave a lot to be desired.  Jeff travels around the country inspiring kids to believe in the power of Jesus Christ with his voice, and, through doing so, has turned a lot of young ‘uns to Islam and Scientology.  I’ve been a fan of Jeff Steinberg’s for many years.  My friend Bill Boll caught an appearance of his one night on some local televangelist show, where Jeff performed Masterpiece in Progress, and Bill had the foresight to videotape it.  Believe it or not, Jeff’s voice is actually a LOT better now than it was back then.  My friends and I spent many a night watching the performance over and over, and trying to mimic his style.  But, you know, with these flippity fingery hands, it was just hard to do the man justice.  So, without further ado, I present you with Jeff Steinberg’s Tiny Giant – the very worst song of all time.

 

James

 

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