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How I Spent My Birthday

Two of my best pals, Michael Rosenbaum and Linda Cardellini, took me out for my birthday last night.  Rosenbaum arrived to my house first, and he brought me this special monkey. 

It’s still attached to my railing downstairs. And by "railing downstairs" I do mean "penis."  I’m walking around all day with an inflatable monkey tied to my dick.  I have an important meeting later today, that might be a little awkward.  But, fuck it, it’s the day after my birthday!

Anyway, then Linda arrived.  She brought me this cookie:

(Well, it didn’t look like that when she brought it). 

She also brought this card:

The little squirrel says "Rosey," the bear says "James", and the deer says "Linda."  My hat says "birthday boy." This is a depiction of the three of us going out on the town for my birthday. This card was about to come true!

She and Rosenbaum together bought me this shirt:

And these stickers, which will look awes on my Trapper Keeper:

Then they took me to one of my favorite sushi restaurants, Asanebo, and we had an incredible meal.  (Well, Rosey and I had an incredible meal – Linda ate chicken).  We took a photo and for some mysterious reason Rosey held up a plate of food in front of my face:

Then we went to play arcade games and putt-putt.  Linda and I were killing giant spiders and Rosenbaum decided to document this:

He took a lot more video, which I will spare you.

I beat Linda and Rosey in skee-ball, which was expected (I am pretty good at skee ball).  But I am not so good at golf.  So I was very happy to have won our game of miniature golf.  Here is the proof:

Afterwards, we turned in all our tickets.  Rosey picked out a little rubber hand thing, Linda got some candy, and I chose this ruler:

I might use those stencils to write a letter to someone later on, maybe the hot chick who lives down the street.  I’ll put it under her windshield wiper, and it will say something like, "I am watching you," or something really sweet like that.  She’ll start having romantic fantasies about the mystery man who did it.  The follow up, "Your days are numbered, whore," will be even more alluring.

After we closed the arcade down we went back to my place and ate that cookie (pictured above) and stayed up talking about bullshit.

Best birthday ever.


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  • awww putt putt… i’m so jealous! they tore ours down so i haven’t gotten to play in years :( glad you had a great birthday

  • CinemaJunkie

    Linda Cardellini ftw. She is amazing!

  • Tiara

    Glad you had a great birthday, you have some pretty cool friends to do all that for you and with you. You don’t have to spare us the video, you know we eat that stuff up.

  • mlightle3

    That does sound like the best birthday ever. I am glad to have shared in your special day. Now, go fuck yourself.

  • RobinD

    What an awesome birthday! Now we need to see a photo of you in your birthday shirt :)

  • sounds like it was an awesome birthday. I went to an arcade out in Virginia Beach last year, and Super Mario Bros arcade kicked my ass.

    cookie cakes are awesome.

  • Kurt Fischer

    I bet you were petting your monkey before you went to sleep.

  • Tricialew

    We had sushi for your birthday too…so thanks!
    I hope you got the baby aye-aye I sent you but it was eating the biodegradable packing peanuts as I was sealing the box soooo, yeah, there’s that.

  • You, sir, are Totally Awes. :) Thanks for sharing a bit of your day with us.

  • Maddy – No, I did not know Rosenbaum was filming me.
    Oleifr – If you knew how competitive Rosey and I are, you would know we would never let each other win anything.

  • DustinP

    I must challenge you in MiniPutt one day sir.

  • Tracy!

    hahaha Small Wonder! I loved that show! And were you guys the only ones in the aracade? Seems like all the kids had a curfew or something cause it looks empty. Glad you had a great day man.

  • Maddy_Bauer

    Sounds awesome, dude! Did you even know Rosenbaum was filming you? You seem absorbed in the task of obliterating arachnoscum!

  • That sounds pretty sweet. Are you sure they didn’t let you win the golfing?

  • whistles

    That sounds glorious and fun. I haven’t been to the arcade since I was but a mere tyke. Happy belated birthday! Glad you had a fun time.