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I Fucked a Teenage Werewolf, and Other Fun Photos

As I’m about to enter full-force pre-production on my film SUPER, last week I thought I’d take my last chance to have a little fun, and Mia Matsumiya came into town to help me out!  You may know Mia as the violinist in the awesome band Kayo Dot.

FUN FACTS ABOUT MIA: 1) At 4’9″ she is an honest-to-God legal midget, which entitles her to free cups of coffee at McDonald’s.  She has never taken McDonald’s up on this offer.

Here Mia is with my friend 6’6″ Benjamin Davis, who highlights how hilariously and freakishly short Mia is.  I enjoy nothing more than making ridiculously tall and short people my camera monkeys.

2) When Mia was little she would become overly emotional, which would cause her to suddenly faint.

3) When she was three years old, she learned about the existence of death, and went blind for two whole days.

4) A short time later she heard a piece of overwhelmingly beautiful classical music, and she went deaf for a number of days (I’m not making this stuff up, folks).

5) One of my goals in life has been to make her faint, or even go blind or deaf, through some type of overstimulation. Unfortunately, Mia has gotten her emotions under control in adulthood and I have been a complete failure at this… So far! Watch your back, midget! We started out our week checking out the fantastically beautiful Huntington Library in Pasadena.

I want to write a funny caption here but can’t think of a single humorous thing about cacti.

This one IS funny because Mia’s about to die!  Haha!! (I didn’t tell her about that sign – dying is a lot like permanent fainting!)

After the Huntington Library, we traveled to Disneyland, because Mia had never been before. Admittedly, I wasn’t too excited about this – I went to Disneyland ten years ago and found it too commercial and full of artifice. What I hadn’t taken into account is that nearly ten years in Hollywood have depleted me of almost any dignity I once had.  Today, Disneyland really WAS the happiest place on earth.  Fucking dignity was really a monkey on my back.  Seriously, if you’re a person out there reading this with a bunch of dignity – GIVE IT UP, DUDE – it ruins everything!

Mia’s favorite ride was It’s a Small World, which she found very touching in its ability to bring all cultures together.

Me? I was a bit furious on It’s a Small World, due to its exclusion of my people, drunken Irishmen.  All the Irishmen in It’s a Small World were bigotedly walking around upright with no problem!  Fuck you, Walt Disney!  I’m glad you’re dead!  I was also angry that the Gypsies weren’t picking pockets.  Obviously, Disney thinks Gypsies are lazy!  Tell that to all the hardworking Gypsies out there doing their best day and night to gyp people.

My mood turned around immediately when I saw Satan in It’s a Small World!  Awesome! (Actually, Mia makes fun of me because every time I see any type of goat I grab a camera and yell, “Awesome! Satan!”) After It’s a Small World, unfortunately, the camera battery went out.  So we don’t have any more photos from Disneyland.  Which meant, with no pictorial proof, I was actually able to enjoy the theme park unironically.  You’ll never see it.. Later, we went to the Museum of Death in Hollywood.

Thankfully, they let us know exactly where to park.

While at the Museum of Death, I learned many helpful things, such as IF YOU DIE YOU CAN BE BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY SHOVING TOBACCO UP YOUR ASS.  The answer was right there in front of us the whole time – could it be any more obvious?  From now on, I’m carrying a crushed up pack of Marlboros and a funnel everywhere I go.  People who read this blog – if you’re around me when I kick it, YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.  (Thanks in advance.)

Here Mia poses with the head of a dude who was put to death by guillotine for murdering dozens of women over a hundred years ago.  And if that doesn’t prove he was a misogynist, he also called women “ho’s” and “bee-atches.”  What a piece of shit! (Please don’t open your eyes and look at me for saying that, decapitated head.)

The Museum of Death was also home to this pair of conjoined turtles. They were all, like, “What’s with all the photos of car crash victims everywhere? It’s fucking grossing me out and shit.”  And I was all, like, “Jesus, quit being a fucking pussy, turtles.”  You’d think they’d be used to it by now, but they were all gagging and about to vomit every time they saw a picture of a dead guy.

Mia and I then checked out Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.  They have one of those shadow machines there, where you stand by the wall and a light flashes and your shadow stays on the wall.  So, of course, I pretended to beat the shit out of Mia. Me: “Hm. What other hilarious shadows could we make?” Mia: “We could make bunnies with our hands?” Me: “Well, that would be funny. OR you could fuck me in the ass while I’m crying.”

Right after we did this one, a family with little kids came into the room, and we were stuck in this small space waiting for the huge image of me being boofed to fade.  Mia darted out the doorway, leaving me with her purse on the floor on the other side of the room.  I had to pass the kids who were staring at the image, squinting, trying to figure out what was going on.  I think in that moment Jesus made me sterile. PS Mia didn’t really suggest we make bunnies. We also went to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum, but there are no photos worth sharing because the Guinness Book of World Records Museum is just a building with pages from a 1987 Guiness Book of Worlds Records stuck to the walls.  You know, with timely World Records such as, “The World Trade Center is currently the tallest building in New York.”  The Guinness Book of World Records Museum was in fact the worst museum I’ve ever been too.  And that includes the “museum” my uncle would take me to, which was the basement where he raped me. “Hey, Jimmy, want to come check out this museum down here?” Get it? I’m saying the Guinness Book of World Records is worse than being raped as a child. Don’t go there. You’re welcome. That afternoon, I found myself in deep thought, with an important question on my mind – Was Mia small enough to fit in my laundry hamper?

It worked. She fit. I walked away proud that I had discovered yet another practical use for Mia’s dwarfism.

That night we went to the year’s first Halloween party at Ryan and Theresa Schifrin’s house, where I pretended to fuck this fake werewolf.

Overall, it was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had. THE END PS There is one more museum we went to, but it deserves a blog of its own – it will be coming shortly. PPS All photos are by me and Mia Matsumiya, except the ones of me boofing the werewolf, which are by Julia Vickerman (as if that’s something she should be proud of.)

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