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My Dumbass Online Weopia Date

So yesterday Mia posted a video of a site where you can have your first date online:

The site is called Weopia and they advertise that “Researchers at Harvard and MIT show that people who date in virtual worlds prior to dating in person will have a better first date when they do meet in person.”  Um… well, I’m certain that’s true.  But I’m equally certain that people who have a long phone conversation beforehand will also have a better first date.

Whatever the case, although it’s far from our first date, Mia and I decided to sign up and try out Weopia.

“I want to try out some murderous experiments,” Mia told me. “Like try pushing you off a cliff.”

I told her that if she pushed me off a cliff it might hurt my feelings.

Weopia was pretty easy to download and install, and they offer a free first date.  You have a very limited amount of avatar options, so I chose this guy:

Mia and I both programmed in the same codes, so we showed up on the same beach.  She was actually looking pretty hot (and strangely, kind of like herself).  It was very sweet and romantic that we both showed up wearing exactly what we wore on our real first date back in July in New York City – me, shirtless in a pair of jeans with white sneakers, and her in a yellow bikini.  The memories of that first jolt of love rushed back to me!!

Now that we were on our first date it was important to figure out what the fuck to do. Or, more importantly, what were we able to do in Weopia that would make this date special.  I looked around for a newspaper box to shove Mia’s avatar into, like I did to her on our first date, but there was nothing like that around there.  In fact, there was almost nothing at all – just some mountains and trees and water.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any cocksucking OR assfarming controls.  I did find out if we let our avatars stand there for long enough, they would sit down.  We spent about ten minutes trying to get me to sit down behind Mia’s avatar so I could get a screen shot of me with me tossing her salad.  But we couldn’t get our sitting-standing working out appropriately.  We started to realize these were extremely limited controls.

There were some lawn chairs nearby, so Mia tried to put those to some use.

I tried to sit down beside Mia. She decided to get up and see if she could cuddle with me.


Unfortunately, I discovered that this meant I actually merged with her! This was indeed crappy programming.

Occasionally you’d come across these floating heart-things.  I thought these could be something magical and fun for our date.  Instead, they just had suggestions for what to do on first dates, or questions to ask, etc.  It was obvious that Weopia was made for date retards.

Note the inconsistent spelling scheme in the links above.  There was also a “Help” button – if you pressed on it, you could press on any of the other buttons for “Help.”  For instance, I wanted to know how to use the “Map” function, so I pressed on “Map.”  Unfortunately, once you got some advice on how to use the map function, there was no way to go back to the help menu.  You were stuck with advice on the map function for the rest of the time you were in Weopia. This was the most inanely designed virtual world since the Atari ET game.

I discovered a vehicle button, and created myself a hovercraft.  I waited for Mia to get in but, as you would imagine in a two person dating world, only one person can get in a vehicle at a time.  So, instead, I decided to run over Mia in my hovercraft.

Mia got angry at me for trying to kill her.  She said this was her worst date since one with a guy who tried to make her go into the bathroom at a restaurant, piss in a champagne glass, and bring it back out so she could drink it.  She went out into the ocean and tried to drown herself, but found our avatars could breathe underwater.  I begged for her to come back to shore and, when she did, I revved up from a farther distance back and tried to kill her again.

We then got into two dune buggies and ran over each other numerous times, again, just like a real first date.

In the final analysis, Weopia is the dumbest online experience ever. There is nothing to do but walk around or experience the world’s worst driving game. There is no interaction with you and your partner, and I can’t imagine anything more tragic for a “virtual first date.”  Well, besides asking your date to drink your piss.

Mia and I got off Weopia and webcammed for a couple hours instead.  If you really want to experience your online interest in a safe place before meeting them in public, that might be a better option.

James

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