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Creepy Dolls, Ostrich Jerky, & Nazis at Charlie Brown Farms

A couple of days ago I got an email from Mia with a list of places we might think about visiting around the Los Angeles area.  One of the places Mia mentioned was Charlie Brown Farms.  Here is what she wrote about it in her email:

This is in Littlerock, CA, about 35 miles from here. It looks super weird/suspicious, doesn’t it? They supposedly sell all these exotic meats and dairy, like rattlesnake, buffalo, antelope, frog legs, and ostrich eggs. They also have 125 different types of milkshakes! Porcelain miniatures, vintage toys, WW2 memoribilia, Also, a HOUSE OF DOLLS and VILLAGE OF GNOMES! What is this?! It could suck, but maybe we should investigate?

So yesterday, feeling mellow after our whirlwind trip to Toronto, we decided to check out the Tackiest Place on Earth.

As we parked the car, we saw a huge cage filled with various dinosaurs (seen above) as well as tigers, lions, horses, buffalo, and more, all seemingly for sale.  I can’t imagine many things cooler that having the triceratops pictured above in my backyard.  I could saddle that fucker up and teach kids what it was like when everyone rode dinosaurs back in the time of Jesus, just like they do at the Creationist Museum in Kentucky:

The interior of Charlie Brown Farms was enormous.  Over twenty large rooms filled with trinkets and crazy foods of all types, everything from ostrich jerky to blue punch banana chips to giant Gummy Bears, and more.

I was afraid Mia, being Japanese, was going to feel out of place in this homey slice of Americana. But as we entered there were plaques with dishes offered all over the walls, including this little slice of Mia’s own culture.  I really think it helped her to feel more at home, seeing a Chinky fish like her family members would see every day back in Japan.

I can’t say she felt quite as at home in any of the FOUR ROOMS full of creepy dolls.

Especially when a young couple from Nebraska mistook her for a doll and tried to buy her.

But I felt completely at home. Rock and Roll is my middle name, and there is no better place to Rock Out with Your Cock Out than a room full of baby dolls.

The Dancing Brothers

One of the main reasons I came to Charlie Brown Farms was that I was in the market for a pair of giant statues that look very similar to the Blues Brothers but, for legal reasons, couldn’t be called the Blues Brothers and were just called “The Dancing Brothers” instead. I was hoping there would be twenty or so variations on these Dancing Brothers in all different sizes. And, lo and behold, I wasn’t disappointed – there were more Dancing Brothers at Charlie Brown Farms than you would ever need!

I’ve been thinking of putting together some Natural-History-Museum-like dioramas in my unused downstairs basement, but all of the giant caveman statues at Target are way over a thousand bucks, a little out of my price range. Fortunately, Charlie Brown Farms had some incredible deals!

While none of the employees were around, I really enjoyed titty-fucking the wooden tits on this female pirate while sticking a wooden parrot up my ass.  I hadn’t done that since I was a kid, and all these nostalgic memories just came rushing back.

I told Mia she should try it out on this second female pirate, but she didn’t seem too into it.  She was all like, “Yes, I suppose she’s got nice tits, but I just can’t get over looking at her awesome jewelry – I covet that shit so hard!”

Wow!  I needed these things too!  Who doesn’t need a… uh… a human body with a, uh… enormous collie head, driving a golf cart.

However, I thought selling disembodied dog heads was a little disgusting, no matter how quietly pleased the dog heads seemed to be.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! STOP IT!!! JUST FUCKING STOP IT!!! I SERIOUSLY CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! FUNNIEST THING EVER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I’m just not sure it would have the same effect without the wrinkled anus. That’s really what makes it come to life.

“Wow, James, what’s that above your mantle?’

“Oh, that’s this elk I bagged on a hunting trip a little while ago.”

“Really? Um, it, uh, looks like it’s fake or something.”

“Did I say ‘elk’? I meant elk THING.”

“What?”

“It’s elk-like, but it’s its very own animal. Completely unique.”

“Its nose looks kind of plastic.”

“Yeah, that’s one of the things they’re known for. Let’s talk about something else.”

AAAAAAHHHGGHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!

Yeah, I guess I was a little disappointed when I came around the corner to find Mia performing oral sex on Santa Claus…

But, could I really blame her?  After all, I had the exact same idea earlier. Note how the difference in sizes between me and Mia is really apparent here.

Uh… um… Cool?

I like to buy these and put various Pokemons in the photos with Hitler. You know, because both Pokemons and Hitler like to kill Jews.

After checking out the section honoring genocidal maniacs, Mia and I were getting hungry and decided to get something to eat at the Charlie Brown restaurant.  I ordered a delicious pumpkin pie milkshake, one of the 125 varieties of shakes offered.

I also ate an ostrich burger and some cheese and garlic fries. After that, I tried out bulimia. At least in this situation, it was great!

Mia and I passed on this baby white tiger wine bottle holder thing, and instead got five of the 150 types of jerky, a bunch of ginger ale and birch soda, some strawberry preserves, okra chips, and more. In all honesty, Charlie Brown Farms is a lot of fun, and a great place to check out, especially if you’re from L.A. and you think you’ve seen everything around here.  It’s located at 8317 Pearblossom Hwy, Littlerock, CA. You can visit them on the web HERE.

On the way home we saw this weird fucking house, so we stop and took a picture.

Bye!

James

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