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Thanks for trying to kill me, Target.
My dog, Dr. Wesley Von Spears, loves toys. He loves them so much he'll knows most of them specifically by name (such as the famous and sexy "Saliva Bear", the background photo on my home page.)
He'll easily pass up food for a chance at playing with a new toy. So, of course, he loves Christmas, and will bother whomever is opening gifts around him in the hope it's a new toy for himself.
This year, Von Spears found "Lamb" in his stocking:
Von Spears doesn't care that Lamb is retarded. He loves him anyway. He also loves such toys as Froggy:
Will blow you for a quarter.
And Happy Gay Octopus:
Cannot marry in California. Or anywhere, as he does not have a brain.
The good Doctor was also pleased to find this sweet pack of squeaky toys in his stocking, as squeaky toys are some of his favorites:
I bought these toys at Target. Little did I know that TARGET WAS INTENT ON MURDERING MY DOG. Because, within minutes of Von Spears receiving the first toy from the bag, the spectacularly sculpted "fire hydrant", it looked like this:
That's right. As I write this, little plastic pieces of fire hydrant are traveling through my dog's colon. Target sold me pet toys that almost instantly disintegrate in an animal's mouth. And Von Spears isn't one of those little dudes that quickly destroys any toys he receives ñ in fact he's never destroyed a toy before in his life. The only ones that have fallen apart at all are after years of playing with them. He's quite gentle with his toys, because he wants them to last and he knows they're retarded. He's ridiculously gentle with his toys, so I know there isn't a dog alive that wouldn't chew these crap Target toys to shreds in seconds.
So this very short blog is simply to say FUCK YOU, TARGET, YOU PIECES OF SHIT! I can't wait for you to get this in your Google News updates! That's right - I'm gunning for YOU, minimum-wage-Target-employee-who-checks-their-Google-News-updates! That'll show you, fucker!
As for the rest of you, I implore you all to buy your pet supplies somewhere that doesn't sell unsafe and defective toys. Target is the kind of store that would hold down your dog and mouth-rape it ñ which is about the worst kind of store I can imagine. After Successories.
Happy New Year, everybody!
James
PS You can still watch Von Spears' role as "Snoupy" in the PG PORN: PEANUS episodes HERE.
PPS And watch SPARKY AND MIKAELA on XBOX this Monday, December 31st!
PPPS - All that shit about those toys is TRUE!
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Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or realizing, as fucked up as it sounds, that Terra Naomi is pregnant with a unicorn on TWITTER.
Something I didn't realize when embarking on the 12 DAYS OF HAIR METAL project with Terra Naomi was that those fucking American Idols always look on the verge of breakdown learning just a couple of songs a week. And they're just singing the motherfucking things, or maybe doing a dance that requires walking to four different parts of the stage and swinging their arms. And here Terra was learning to play and sing 12 songs in 12 days, and doing each of them in a unique fashion. She didn't know any of these songs a few days ago. To repent for the hardship I'm putting Terra through, I'm going to rape an American Idol.
It's not going to be that chick from CELEBRITY REHAB. She's been through enough. You can vote for any other American Idol for me to rape below.
Anyway, other than Terra about to die, the Hair Metal series has been a blast, and I've loved all of your comments. The last couple of days are two of my favorites in the Hair Metal series, PATIENCE by Guns n' Roses...
And HIGH ENOUGH by Damn Yankees...
And, sorry that both of them say "Day 4". We shot them in one day and originally DAMN YANKEES was going to be Day 4, and I forgot to change it.
In repentance, I will equip a bunch of moose with rifles and set them loose in a forest to hunt and kill Ted Nugent. It's going to be like the Most Dangerous Game (but with moose and Ted Nugent.) In honor of hair metal, Ted Nugent will be given a can of aerosal hairspray to defend himself with. The twist? Moose couldn't give a shit about aerosal hairspray (don't tell Ted).
If you like these videos, please let Terra know by going directly to her YouTube Page and rating them and making a comment. Since I have destroyed the holiday season for her by locking her in the basement and forcing her to learn hair metal tunes 24/7, you might as well give her some positive feedback to let her know it's all worth it.
(And, once again, disclaimer, we're using the term "hair metal" here loosely. If we can find a few people on the Internet who claim it's hair metal, we'll cover its ass. Since there are also people on the Internet who claim shit is food, this isn't too difficult).
PEANUS
AND on Monday, December 22nd, you can catch my favorite, A VERY PEANUS CHRISTMAS, also on IGN. I'm pretty sure this is going to become a yearly holiday tradition, families sitting around the tree, checking out some seasonal non-sexual pornography. Maybe it will even inspire some PG Porn holiday songs, like, "I Saw Mama Refraining from Blowing Santa Claus," or "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (and in No Way, Shape, or Form Sticking It in Your Anus)".
See you tomorrow,
James
This next one is my favorite of the two videos, and I laugh every time I see it. I swear to God, SORORITY BOYS' Rosenbaum is Milton-Berle-like famous in Hollywood for having a huge cock. I can't personally attest to the truth of this, because I've never seen his penis. But I HAVE seen his scrotum (don't ask me how), which is pretty fucking huge.
The details of these two "special" non-series PG PORN episodes are now almost fully worked out.
The first episode, PEANUS, starring RACING STRIPES' Michael Rosenbaum and porn star Belladonna, will air here on the PG PORN MySpace Page. this Thursday, December 18.
The second episode (my favorite!), A VERY PEANUS CHRISTMAS, will air on the IGN Home Page. on Monday, December 22.
So, my PG PORN army, go out there and spread the word.
And, of course, please fuck yourselves sweetly. Just like THE TOM SHOW's Michael Rosenbaum would.
See you here in two days with PEANUS!!!
James
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Terra Naomi and my 12 DAYS OF HAIR METAL is happening every day until Christmas HERE.
You can still watch JAMES GUNN'S PG PORN: NAILING YOUR WIFE.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or musing on Philip Seymour Hoffman's chubsterdom on TWITTER.
Michelle Galdenzi, Lina So, guy, Shawnee Smith, fucker, Sarah Agor.
Joanne Krupa, Michelle, hair metal siren Terra Naomi, Lina So, PEANUS/SMALLVILLE star Michael Rosenbaum.
Believe it or not, not a single fight broke out during the entire evening. The Gunn brothers buried the hatchet with Lina, and we will never again fuck with her. Honestly, we had a great time with EVERYBODY. It was great getting to know Joanne, who is a super cool chick, and who I really shouldn't have kicked off first. That should have been Lina (Fuck! I just broke my own rule!) For me, it was a great coming-together-of-worlds: Three of my brothers were there, all my old friends like JP, my girl Terra, of course, as well as Pete!!! and all the folks I've been shooting digital shorts with over the last year, my horror friends, and, of course, the SCREAM QUEENS. If only Rooker wasn't in Thailand, it would have been a perfect evening. Strike that: what I meant to say is, because Rooker was in Thailand it was a perfect evening. There were a lot of highlights, including Sean and Lina settling their beef in a dance off, and Sarah and I explaining to Shawnee all the post-show drama that happened in these new-fangled things called "blogs." (I don't think Shawnee's Commodore 64 can handle blogs.) It was also fun introducing all the girls to SAW director James Wan who, in a way, I think of as their actual creator. I know you may think of that as a putdown to God but, you know, if you like SAW as much as I do it's kind of a compliment. Because SAW is way cooler than a lot of things God made, like a bush or a rabbit, most bugs, etc. Marissa was there earlier in the night, before I got off my lazy ass to grab a camera. Tanedra, sadly, couldn't make it -- although our Scream Queen, she's still working her ass off in two jobs. I talked to her after she got off work at about 1 in the morning -- I think she was willing to come by, but by that time I was "faded", since I had been there since five in the evening. And by "faded" I mean, "vagina." (Boy, that joke never gets old. And by "never gets old" I mean - yes - "gets very, very old".) Lindsay and Jessica were in New York and couldn't make it. Who knows where Homa was, or Angela, who I thought was coming. But I think I fucked up with Kylah, who I thought would hear about the party from the other girls. But, after asking around, I don't think anyone told her. Sorry, Kylah! But, overall, it was one of the best Sunset Sundays of the year. Right after the one where Rooker got sprayed by a skunk.
Terra and I have continued to post our 12 DAYS OF HAIR METAL.
Me, HUMANZEE star Mackenzie Firgens, SPARKY AND MIKAELA star Mikaela Hoover, Mikaela's real-life sidekick DEJA, and HATCHET/FAIRY TALE POLICE director Adam Green.
Sarah, Michelle, SAW/DOGGIE HEAVEN director James Wan, me again, Lina, Joanne.
Sarah and Terra. "Our names rhyme - let's be best friends!" Yeah, I think it's a stupid reason to be best friends too. But it's not my place to judge.
Sam Englebardt, Lina, Sean Gunn.
MEANWHILE...
Today, the Scorpions' BELIEVE IN LOVE:
And there are NINE more coming - one every day until Christmas - our own little Advent Calendar of Kickass! Go subscribe to Terra on her YouTube channel to stay updated.
Finally, I hope to have some PEANUS interviews tomorrow, and for PEANUS to go live this Wedsneday. We'll see.
See you soon, fuckers,
James
When Terra Naomi and I think of CHRISTMAS, we think of HAIR METAL. So what better way to celebrate this holiday season than 12 DAYS OF HAIR METAL?
Every day leading up to Christmas we will be posting another Terra cover of a Hair Metal song. First up, HOUSE OF PAIN, by FASTER PUSSYCAT...
Two things should be noted about the songs we're posting: 1) We aren't making fun of "bad songs" -- we're taking songs that we think are great songs from a genre that's often maligned and interpreting them in a new way, and 2) 'Hair Metal' is a vague term, and our definition is fairly inclusive. You can argue all you want about semantics below, but it's not the aspect of 12 DAYS OF HAIR METAL that most interests us. (What interests us most is the hair, the metal, the spandex, and the sweeping choruses.)
And believe me, there are a LOT of bad hair metal songs out there. Terra and I have been listening to them constantly over the past few weeks. But every once in a while we'd find a song that's great no matter what time period or genre. We thought HOUSE OF PAIN was a great one to start our Final-Net'ed journey.
What awesome tune will we be rediscovering tomorrow? Look on Terra Naomi's Web Site or on her YouTube Channel to find out (also, go to her YouTube page to watch the above video in Higher-Definition).
Until then, you can drop FASTER PUSSYCAT a syllabic pat on the back on their MySpace Page.
ALSO - and no less important - PG PORN: PEANUS will be debuting (if everything goes as planned) this upcoming WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17. The site location is yet to be announced (mostly because I'm not sure yet where it's debuting). The second episode, A VERY PEANUS CHRISTMAS, should air on MONDAY, DECEMBER 22.
We'll be posting more information about PEANUS shortly, including interviews with stars MICHAEL ROSENBAUM (SMALLVILLE) and BELLADONNA (COCK HAPPY 2).
Until then, here are a few more photos from the shoot:
Belladonna as Lucy and Michael Rosenbaum as Chuck.
Lee Kirk.
See you back here in a few days. Go fuck yourselves, James SUBSCRIBE TO MY MYSPACE BLOG HERE. You can still watch JAMES GUNN'S PG PORN: NAILING YOUR WIFE. And, if you're on Twitter, nominate me for a Shorty Award, whatever the fuck that is, HERE.
Elisa Eliot and Sean Gunn.
Real-life SCREAM QUEEN Tiffany Shepis and me.
Stevie Blackehart and Mackenzie Firgens as Violet.
My partner Pete!!! Alton gets sneaked up on and boofed by Michael Rosenbaum. Ha ha! It was funny to everyone but to Pete!!! who was traumatized by the rape.
The whole PEANUS gang. 
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Guess what? SLiTHER is out BluRay! You can buy it now HERE.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the James Gunn Appreciation Society.
All photos by VANCE. Poster by Marci Holmes.
With Mikaela Hoover and Sparky the Raccoon.
I know what you're thinking. Really, James? Another sexy teen superheroine/puppet raccoon crime-fighting team in a world where raccoons have persecuted human beings for hundreds of years? 
What can I say? Sometimes you just have to follow the trends to make a buck.
Especially when my brother Sean Gunn is out of a job, and roles of supervillains-who-wear-casual-clothes are hard to come by these days.
To save money, we put the rat on double duty: acting and craft services. His chorizo pasta was almost as weak as his emoting.
Sparky was a lot better at the action sequences than he was at acting like he gave a shit about anything other than himself. Raccoons aren't known for their empathy.
Still, cinematographer/editor Pete!!! Alton's hat was, to say the least, insensitive.
Mikaela's father, Gregg Henry, warns his daughter that raccoons can't be trusted. She's astounded that her father's a bigot.
As on most sets, a little hanky panky between co-stars took place behind-the-scenes.
You SCREAM QUEENS fans will be happy to know it's not only on reality TV where I make weird faces while looking at the monitor.
Speaking of SCREAM QUEENS, the casting folks wanted Mikaela to come in for the show. She had no idea I was associated with it. Can you imagine if I showed up the first day on set and saw one of the contestants was one of my friends?
I first met Mikaela when I auditioned her and cast her in HUMANZEE. Here, we share a moment with SPARKY AND MIKAELA theme song writer, Terra Naomi.. Terra and I are also working on her 12 DAYS OF HAIR METAL series for her new web site, featuring a classic hair metal cover each of the twelve days leading up to Christmas day.
Gregg Henry was so funny in one scene that Pete and I ruined numerous takes cracking up. Just like back in the days of LOLLILOVE. We're true professionals.
In all honesty, this was one of the most competent AND fun crews I've worked with. Here I am with producer Dave Yarvo and 1st Assistant Director Tres Stamos.
FX master (and future PG PORN star) Vincent Guastini puts some final touches on Stevie Blackehart's better half.
Here the dummy mocks Stevie's's ridiculous expression.
Near the end of the shoot the rat started complaining about only get paid SAG-scale, even though his name was in the title. He was getting a pretty big head for someone I found eating trash in my backyard. Still, here we are, working our shit out.
This is what directing looks like.
Surprisingly, Mikaela never killed an innocent dude with a piece of rebar before. Here I am teaching her (R.I.P. Ben Simonetti).
A touching moment between two best pals...
Doesn't last long in a GOOD BOYS PRODUCTION. (Unfortunately for my sister-in-law, Michelle Martin Gunn).
SPARKY AND MIKAELA will debut on XBOX LIVE on December 24th. That's right, you can watch it repeatedly on loop Christmas day.
Don't have an XBOX? Don't worry. Just a few weeks after XBOX LIVE it will go to MSN.com and Zune, and will thereafter be available in numerous other places on the web, TV, and DVD. Unlike the XBox version, some of these versions will be the Director's Cut -- uncensored, pure, and untouched.
It's part of the HORROR GOES COMEDY series, which features comedy shorts by horror directors, including SAW's James Wan, HARD CANDY and 30 DAYS OF NIGHT's David Slade, HATCHET's Adam Green, MAY's Lucky McKee, AMITYVILLE HORROR's Andrew Douglas, and more.
I'm really happy with the way the show came out, and think you guys are going to enjoy it too!
Until then, make sure you watch the SCREAM QUEENS finale this Monday night on VH1!
Go fuck yourselves,
James
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For extra SCREAM QUEENS info, go befriend me now at Famous VH1 Friends.
I have something else for you. It's a pic of me and Terra Naomi on Halloween:
It was the worst Halloween ever, because we got stuck in traffic going through Hollywood for over two hours. I also got irritated with a rude doorman and told him to fuck off. Dressed as Cookie Monster. Despite Ms. Van Arsdale's opinion of me, I'm not a real class act. But Von Spears was happy when I got home, because he had a new toy: I like this photo Mick Garris sent me for Halloween: Watch SCREAM QUEENS tonight on VH1 so I can continue living a life of leisure and fighting crime. ALSO - if you get LOVELINE with Dr. Drew in your area, I'll be on there tonight at 10 pm Western time. Call in with your questions! And go to my MySpace page tomorrow morning for my BEHIND-THE-SCREAMS blog: SCREAM QUEENS Episode 3! And, if you're in L.A., come see Terra Naomi play at the HOTEL CAFE in Hollywood, 1623 N. Cahuenga Blvd, this Thursday, November 6 at 10 pm sharp! I'll be there with my whole crew. But MOST OF ALL, go fucking VOTE tomorrow!! Be good, James
Unfortunately, um, well, uh... HUMANZEE! was deemed a bit too, how shall we say, EXTREME, for our Xbox Live sponsors. I tried to tell them that it wasn't MY fault that my half-human/half-chimp son loves to kill women and eat babies. HUMANZEE! is a hard-hitting look at the world of human-animal hybrids! We had no choice but to show the cold, dark truth of what goes on in these situations!
But they weren't buying it. They asked me to cut the extreme stuff. This would have left the first episode of HUMANZEE! at about twelve seconds long.
SO, I made a deal with the fine folks at Microsoft. I take HUMANZEE! free and clear to do with as I choose, and I will give them another series that I had been developing anyway - SPARKY AND MIKAELA. Fret not, our poor little unloved HUMANZEE is in the process of finding a new home as we speak. So, including PG PORN, you will now have at least three James Gunn shows in 2009 as opposed to just two. And fret not too - SPARKY AND MIKAELA is no HUMANZEE LITE. It's a unique story in and of itself, just not as much of an over-the-top abomination as HUMANZEE.
And, although I love HUMANZEE! more than perhaps anything I've ever done, it is, indeed, an abomination.
So here's me with the star of SPARKY AND MIKAELA, Mikaela Hoover (from SORORITY FOREVER and HUMANZEE), to tell you a little more about it...
SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BLOG HERE.
You can still watch JAMES GUNN'S PG PORN: NAILING YOUR WIFE.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Hiring that dude to mug Ms. Van Arsdale was money well spent! (I'm kidding, of course.)
So for months now I've been talking about the HORROR DIRECTORS DO COMEDY series on XBOX LIVE, where filmmakers like myself, SAW's James Wan, HARD CANDY's David Slade, HATCHET's Adam Green, AMITYVILLE HORROR's Andrew Douglas, and MAY's Lucky McKee are doing comedy shorts for free HD play on Xbox. And, of course, the show I'm doing as part of that series is HUMANZEE!
Yes, SPARKY AND MIKAELA is the story of a raccoon/human superhero team. They fight crime in both the forest world and in the world of human beings. I think of it as my first "message" piece.
After generations of us humans warring with our natural enemies, raccoons, it's a plea for us all to just get along. It's also a plea for more shows with girls wearing sexy superhero outfits fighting along Muppet-type procyonids.
The show will also star my good buddy Gregg Henry - whom many of you know as Mayor Jack MacCready in SLiTHER - and my brother Sean Gunn - whom many of you know as the-guy-who-hangs-out-in-the-Beverly-Center- bathroom-tapping-his-foot-in-the-third-stall-down. The show will be shot and edited by my partner Pete!!! Alton, produced by Dave Yarvo, and our first AD will be Tres Stamos. Perhaps best of al, there will be an awesome theme song written by myself and Terra Naomi.
We start shooting this month. Do YOU want to be involved with SPARKY AND MIKAELA? Well, if you're incredibly talented and amazingly cheap, it's possible -- we especially need someone to build our Muppety puppets, somebody to do CGI visual effects, someone to do extensive Photoshop work, free PA's, and more. Send links to your pics of puppets you've created or work you've done to our production company at our new MySpace page, GOOD BOYS PRODUCTIONS. (NOTE: Not to MY MySpace page. [Sigh. I know I'm saying this and I'm still going to get dozens of messages about it today. But, seriously, NOT HERE]).
While you wait for SPARKY AND MIKAELA, here are some pics of Mikaela Hoover modeling PG PORN and HUMANZEE! gear. You can buy this stuff, and lots of other weird shit NOW, in the JGAS store!
All photos below are by Angie Riemersma.
Speaking of the HUMANZEE, check out this kickass Humanzee o' Lantern by Holly!
Watch the new episode of SCREAM QUEENS tonight on VH1! And come back here tomorrow for another BEHIND-THE-SCREAMS blog, SCREAM QUEENS Episode Two!!
And do something nice for a raccoon today!
Fuck off,
James
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You can still watch JAMES GUNN'S PG PORN: NAILING YOUR WIFE.
For extra SCREAM QUEENS info, go befriend me now at Famous VH1 Friends.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the ALL-NEW James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Yo! So the supertrailer for my new VH1 reality show, SCREAM QUEENS, is up now! Check this shit out:
In the above trailer, there are two faces who may be recognizable to those of you familiar with the James Gunn coterie of friends. Can you find them?! I'll send a signed SLiTHER poster to the first person who can find them both, and say exactly where they are in the trailer.
And here's a picture of all the girls, each of them dying for a starring role in SAW 6...
Can you guess who wins? (I can't send you a SLiTHER poster for that one, but I will give you major props when the winner is announced in eight weeks).
SCREAM QUEENS starts THIS MONDAY, October 20, at 10 pm (9 pm if you live in one of the weird time zones.) Go TiVo it NOW! I'll be posting a BEHIND-THE-SCREAMS blog here every Tuesday morning, where I let you in on what it's really like being on a reality show.
I also understand there is going to be a VH1 MySpace page for SCREAM QUEENS. As of now, I can't find it. But there IS already a fan page up HERE. Thanks, Theresa!!
Also, a couple of you have commented on my cool oven-mitt shirt that I'm wearing in the trailer. It's by Johnny Cupcakes, and their T-shirts RAWK. You can check out their web site HERE.
And as long as we're watching stuff, JAMES GUNN'S PG PORN is still going strong with over 900,000 hits!
I'll be back with more stuff soon.
Go fuck yourselves,
James
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Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or not having sex with a SCREAM QUEEN contestant because I signed a legal document that said I wouldn't on TWITTER.
For those of you who are fans of adult star Aria Giovanni, you likely know that she has never kissed a man onscreen. That's right. No B/G for Ms. Giovanni. All of her erotic scenes have been either solo or with other women. So Aria was, to say the least, extremely surprised when she showed up to set when we shot the first episode of PG-PORN, 'NAILING YOUR WIFE', and discovered that she was supposed to kiss a man onscreen. It seems she somehow didn't get the second page of the three page script (don't even ask me how Aria even made sense of the script in the first place). Here Aria and I, in another video interview, discuss the horrible truth about having to kiss Nathan Fillion...
SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BLOG HERE.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the ALL-NEW James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Buy PG-PORN and HUMANZEE! T-shirts, mugs, and other products in the JGAS store!
WHY ARIA GIOVANNI WAS AFRAID OF KISSING NATHAN FILLION
In honor of this kiss, why don't you all go and watch PG PORN again HERE. Since last Wednesday we've gotten more than 750,000 unique hits - thanks for all your help so far! Please help to keep it going by continuing to send the PG-PORN link to all your family and friends!
THE ART OF BED, BATH, AND BEYOND
One great thing about living in a big city like Los Angeles is being able to experience culture at such an intense level. This weekend, Terra Naomi and I were lucky enough to take a trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond on Ventura, where we came upon the most wonderful collection of art I've ever witnessed. Terra took photos of many of the finest works. I thought I'd share these with all of you:
I think this piece is just wonderful. It's entitled, 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BED, BATH, AND BEYOND? AKA WHO IN THE WORLD BUYS THIS SHIT?'
This is one of the first pieces that caught my eye. It's called, 'LET'S SEE HOW UGLY WE CAN MAKE SOMETHING.'
I'm not usually into 'message' pieces, but this piece is different: 'THIS BRIDGE IS POORLY PAINTED, BUT IF WE PUT SOME OTHER BULLSHIT AROUND IT MAYBE NO ONE WILL NOTICE.'
This piece is truly remarkable. It's called 'LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING I'D STARE AT IN MY DRUNK UNCLE'S GAME ROOM WHILE HE'S MOLESTING ME.'
I was honestly surprised by the title of this one, 'FUCK YOU, EVE, YOU TALENTLESS BITCH.' The title seems to give off a negative vibe when the painting is rather upbeat. But I think it's that contrast that gives the piece some of its power.
Ah. Wow. This one slayed me. They called it 'LET'S TAKE AN OLD MAGAZINE COVER THAT WASN'T THAT INTERESTING IN THE FIRST PLACE AND CALL IT ART. NEXT, I'M GOING TO SPREAD MY ASSHOLE ON A COPY MACHINE, COPY IT, AND CALL THAT ART TOO.'
This one is called, 'CUNT WITH POOP COMING OUT OF IT.'
The name of this is, 'I'M ACTUALLY HAVING A HARD TIME MAKING FUN OF THIS ONE BECAUSE IT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE SOMETHING MY MOTHER MIGHT HAVE IN MY FAMILY'S LAKE HOME.'
This one is called, 'TERRA TOOK A PHOTO OF HERSELF IN THE SIDE OF MY CAR AND THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE A PIECE OF BED, BATH, AND BEYOND ART. SHE'S WRONG. IT LOOKS BETTER.'
This one is provocatively entitled, 'I TOOK SOME SHIT AND THREW IT DOWN ON A SNACK TRAY AND NOW I'M GOING TO SELL IT TO A MORON.'
I have to admit. This one didn't affect me at first. And then, bam, all of a sudden, I was standing there, weeping. It's called, 'IMAGINE ME HOLDING YOU DOWN AND RAPING YOUR MOUTH. ARE YOU IMAGINING IT? OK, NOW TURN IT INTO A PAINTING.'
The artist of this took a humanitarian trip to Darfur, where he saw human beings committing incredible injustices upon their fellow men. In light of this, he created perhaps Bed, Bath, and Beyond's most powerful work: 'COLLECTION OF RED THINGAMAJIGS OFFENDING MY SENSIBILITIES.'
I feel so fortunate that I was able to experience these pieces, and was able to purchase a few of them for as low as $39.95. I'm looking forward to experiencing some other cultural institutions in the near future, like the Z Gallery and Successories. I'll be sure to let you know about it here.
Go fuck yourselves,
James
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SUBSCRIBE TO MY MYSPACE BLOG HERE.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the ALL-NEW James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Watch my new reality show, SCREAM QUEENS, a week from today - Monday, October 20 on VH1!
Buy PG-PORN and HUMANZEE! T-shirts, mugs, and other products in the JGAS store! Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or demeaning a perfectly good bathroom and home furnishing store on TWITTER.
So this woman, Theresa Darklady Reed, posted a blog on the Huffington Post last evening entitled, 'PG Porn Says "No" to Nudity and "Yes" to Violence Against Women', in which she claims my brothers Brian and Sean and I are sexists. You can read the entire article HERE. You can see the PG PORN video she's referring to HERE. As Tim Stotz, one of my Twitter-followers, points out, Ms. Reed's article reads very much like something out of the Onion. I have no idea how Ms. Reed doesn't understand that PG PORN is, uh... a joke. But she doesn't. Now, Ms. Reed CLAIMS, in response to the comments on her page coming to PG-PORN's defense, that she does understand PG-PORN is for laughs. She says: I assure all of the commenters that I "get" the joke. Ms. Reed: What in the fuck is wrong with you? Firstly, what does PG PORN, or my brothers and I, have to do with anyone being hauled into court anywhere? I never hauled anyone into court for making porn, nor do I think they should be (well, unless the people in the porn are really unattractive). Secondly, future episodes of PG PORN contain violence against men as well as women, so the misogyny claim kind of falls flat. Thirdly, you quite plainly do not "get" the joke. In your article, you claim "the Gunn brothers apparently consider violence against women to be not just acceptable but sexy." Your supposition is that the object of PG-PORN is to be sexy, when its actual intent is clearly humor. You then go on to say: According to the website, the goal of the Gunn's (sic) video segments is to provide their sex-weary but strangely porn-loving visitors with all the best parts of erotic videos without having it "ruined" by "PEOPLE HAVING SEX." Come to think of it, why would you respond to anything with "Heaven forefend"? Isn't that embarrassing in and of itself? And, fourthly, in your picture, tilting your head like that and cutting off the frame right below your chin doesn't trick anyone into thinking you're not fat. In your article, you also suggest that my brothers and I need therapy. I am offended by this. Sean and I may need therapy, sure, but my brother Brian is a well-balanced, happy, kind individual. How dare you put him down? And it pisses me off because somehow the Huffington Post sees fit to allow you to post your drivel. But mostly it pisses me off because you didn't provide a link to the video itself. For that: Fuck you. I am pretty much betting you wished you posted my comment now. Come back Monday for an actual real blog in this space, with another VIDEO INTERVIEW WITH ARIA GIOVANNI as well as a feature on THE ART OF BED, BATH, AND BEYOND. See you then, James PS Over 600,000 hits in a little over three days! Keep it going! Keep the No-Porn alive! Added 10/13/08 - My brother Brian Gunn, who is far more intelligent (and kinder) than I am, responded on Darklady's blog as follows: As one of the creators and writers of PG Porn, I'd first like to thank you, Darklady, for watching our first episode, and your critique is well taken. Two points, however: 1. You write, "the Gunn brothers apparently consider violence against women to be not just acceptable but sexy." First of all, the joke here is that the MPAA will give PG ratings to movies that are hyper-violent, but slap anything sexually provocative with an R rating. What's more, there's simply zero evidence to support your claim that we consider Aria's death "sexy." It is portrayed as something thoroughly UN-sexy, and your interpretation is simply inaccurate. 2. You also write, "According to the website, the goal of the Gunn's video segments is to provide their sex-weary but strangely porn-loving visitors with all the best parts of erotic videos without having it 'ruined' by 'PEOPLE HAVING SEX.' Heaven forfend." That's the joke of PG Porn. OF COURSE it's not as enjoyable as actual porn. The quote from our website was ironic. Of the half-million people who have watched our first episode, you are the only one, to my knowledge, who actually took it literally. And yes, I know, you've answered your critics here by assuring us that you "get" the joke, but the entirety of your article belies that claim. Brian Gunn __________________________________
Good morning, fellow non-fuckers - Just wanted to drop a short note to all of you thanking you for spreading JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN around the 'Net yesterday. People all over the world were introduced to the joys of not-jerking-off! Over 200,000 unique hits in just a little over twenty-four hours! And counting... My fellow Good Boys - my brothers Brian and Sean, Pete!!! Alton, and Stevie Blackehart - as well as the good folks over at Safran Digital Group - are all extremely grateful. Strike that. We're all extremely grateful except Stevie, who's pretty much a selfish prick. I heard him say this morning, "Fuck everyone who's helped me! I've gotten what I want, now I'm laughing all the way to the bank - with the zero dollars I've made off PG PORN in my pocket! I could care less if all those people died! In fact, I'd LIKE it if they died! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" What a total jerk!! HOWEVER, the rest of us couldn't be more touched by all the help you gave us yesterday sending out emails, posting stuff on your MySpace and Facebook pages, in your blogs, etc, etc. So, honestly -- THANK YOU (with a special thanks to Linda and Ablazin' Devil Head at JGAS). Please keep help spreading the news by sending people to - copy and paste this link - http://www.spike.com/video/pg-porn-pg-porn/3041858 Also - quite a few of you have asked when the next episode is going to air. Well, we're working out our situation now. Hopefully, soon. But we have to make sure we have the right place for it. Once the next one comes out, they will start airing more regularly. Some of these episodes are completely insane - NAILING YOUR WIFE is just an appetizer before the meal of PG PORN. I'll let you know here first! In celebration, let's all watch JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN 470 more times: Also -- it was just announced that the winner of my new reality show, SCREAM QUEENS, wins a lead role in SAW 6! Some of you may remember that I announced this in a blog a couple months ago -- and may have noticed that I took that reference down a few hours later. This is because I didn't know it was a secret. The good folks at VH1 let me know, in several panicked phone calls and emails, that I had let the cat out of the bag. (It's one of the many things you risk by working with me -- there is very little space between what's in my head and what comes out of my mouth. It's sort of compulsive-expulsive disorder.) Anyway, now it's official! It's an amazing prize, and I can't wait for you guys to see the show. SCREAM QUEENS airs Monday, October 20 on VH1 at 10 pm Eastern and West Coast time. Bye! __________________________________ Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or heavy petting with a porn star on TWITTER.
Or, what the hell, here it is in its entirety:
SPREAD THE PORN - PLATONICALLY!
If you liked PG-PORN, you can help us by sharing it with every single person you know. Email it to your entire address book and get a PG-PORN VENEREAL VIDEO AWARD OF EXCELLENCE! It is an award that looks exactly like air!
Honestly, the more web hits the show gets this month on Spike.com, the better it is for us, the better it is for PG-PORN, and the better it is for all the other new media series and events GOOD BOYS PRODUCTIONS has in the works.
Also check back here, at PGPorn.tv., and at the JGAS MySpace page. for other ways to help promote PG-PORN.
Finally, you can help by going directly to the Spike.com. page and the Spike PG PORN Show Page and rate and post your comments.
And, if you have any questions about NAILING YOUR WIFE , working with Nathan and Aria, or the other upcoming episodes of PG-PORN, I'd be glad to answer them in the comments below.
Many thanks,
James
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I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the ALL-NEW James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Buy PG-PORN and HUMANZEE! T-shirts, mugs, and other products in the JGAS store!
Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or heavy petting with a porn star on TWITTER.
GOOD BOYS PRODUCTIONS and SAFRAN DIGITAL GROUP is proud to announce our new web series, JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN, which teams mainstream Hollywood actors with performers formerly known for their work in the adult industry, but who will soon be known for being part of a worldwide revolution in sexless pornography. JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN is the only porn where, when the delivery boy comes over to deliver some pizza, people actual get what they're expecting - some delicious pizza!
And the whole Peanus gang (clockwise) - Elisa Eliot, Sean Gunn, Mackenzie Firgens, Stephen Blackehart, Tiffany Shepis, James Gunn, Lee Kirk, Belladonna, and Michael Rosenbaum in A VERY PEANUS CHRISTMAS.
But my question remains: Why is it funny and nothing to fret about when it doesn't include graphic sex, but when graphic sex is added, its creators are hauled into court and their creation accused of being legally obscene?I attempted to respond to this in her comments, but Ms. Reed has not allowed my response to go through (three times.) I tried to be somewhat kind in my response, understanding that Ms. Reed may be mildly retarded. However, because she refuses to post my comment, I see no real reason to hold back here...
Heaven forefend.
If you "get" the joke, why would you respond to a joke statement with "Heaven forefend."
In the end, your article pisses me off because it's just another example of how every idiot thinks his or her voice is worth hearing on the internet.
__________________________________
James
SUBSCRIBE TO MY MYSPACE BLOG HERE.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the ALL-NEW James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Buy PG-PORN and HUMANZEE! T-shirts, mugs, and other products in the JGAS store!
That's right. The first episode of JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN, 'NAILING YOUR WIFE' starring Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni, has finally arrived. You can watch it yourself at Spike.com.
So please email this motherfucker to your grandparents right now. And your old buddy who slept with your girlfriend. And that friend who died two years ago whose email address you just can't bring yourself to delete. Who knows? His ghost just might love himself some clean cut pornography! Thanks!
SUBSCRIBE TO THE MYSPACE BLOG HERE
How many times have you been watching a great porn film - you're really enjoying the story, the acting, the cinematography - when, all of the sudden, they ruin everything with PEOPLE HAVING SEX?
A bunch of times, right?
That's why I, along with my brothers Brian and Sean, have created
JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN. It's pornography everyone can enjoy, not just perverts. You and your grandmother, for instance, could sit down together and enjoy some nice clean smut. Or your kids could come home from school, and the whole family could gather around the computer and not-jerk-off to some porn embedded with deep traditional values (like not fucking.)
JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN features such stars as -
Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni in NAILING YOUR WIFE.
Michael Rosenbaum and Belladonna in PEANUS.
James Gunn and Sasha Grey in ROADSIDE ASS-ISTANCE.
Sean Gunn and Belladonna in GENITAL HOSPITAL.
We hope you'll join us OCTOBER 8 on Spike.com to see the very first episode of JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN, NAILING YOUR WIFE, with Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni. Watch Nathan Fillion inhabit the role of "CHRIS", who doesn't have any sex whatsoever with his boss's wife, MRS. GRIMES.
Until then you can watch these interviews with myself and Aria Giovanni, talking about the genesis of PG-PORN, and how all of you MySpacers helped in the process.
James Gunn & Aria Giovanni Introduce PG Porn from pg porn on Vimeo.
___________________________________
Seriously, guys - creating PG-PORN has been some of the most fun of my life! We've shot five episodes, and are in the process of shooting more with even more Hollywood and adult industry insiders. This is the secret project I've been talking about here, on My Twitter Page, and at the James Gunn Appreciation Society for a while now.
All the episodes are directed by me, and written by myself and my brother Brian Gunn. They're being shot and edited by my creative partner, Pete!!! Alton, produced by Stevie Blackehart and Peter Safran, and feature costumes by Mary Matthews. I'm also excited to have Tyler Bates, the composer of 300, WATCHMEN, DEVIL'S REJECTS, and DAWN OF THE DEAD, scoring the episodes.
Sean and Brian and I have been coming up with concepts for PG-PORN for years, and we can't wait to share them with you.
You can befriend JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN HERE on MySpace. But for more updates, photos, and information, you can check out PGPorn.tv.
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SUBSCRIBE TO MY MYSPACE BLOG HERE.
Watch my new reality show SCREAM QUEENS on VH1 starting Monday, October 20!
Live in St. Louis? Meet me at the Way Out Club at JAMES GUNN PRESENTS TERRA NAOMI, on Friday, October 3.
I'll answer any and all questions you have in the Q & A section in the ALL-NEW James Gunn Appreciation Society.
Finally, the world has meaning. I present, the HUMANZEE! Trailer...
My short film HUMANZEE will debut on XBox Live in the Fall as part of the HORROR CZARS DO COMEDY series (I just made that name up), along with other short films by James Wan, David Slade, Andrew Douglas, Lucky McKee, Marcus Nispel, and a couple of other secret directors we'll announce soon.
I really didn't think any of the films could be more over-the-top than HUMANZEE until I saw Leigh Whannell getting ass-raped by a dog in James Wan's WOOF.
James claims this isn't bestiality because bestiality is only when a human fucks an animal, not the other way around. Then again, James is from wacky Australia, where humans are regularly fucked by kangaroos and wombats and shit, and no one blinks an eye...
Now I think it's time for our HUMANZEE poster with a couple of sexy chicks, Jenna Haze and Mikaela Hoover -
MY NEW REALITY SHOW FOR VH1
It was just announced in the Hollywood Reporter that I'm shooting SCREAM QUEENS, a reality show that will be on VH1 in the early fall. A bunch of hot actresses move into a house and compete for a role in a Lionsgate movie - which is a pretty awesome fucking prize.
My fellow judge is Shawnee Smith, a famous Scream Queen known for her terrifying work in BECKER, which starred Ted Danson, who was known for his terrifying work fucking Whoopi Goldberg. Shudder! Oh yeah, Shawnee was also in all the SAW movies and THE BLOB.
Anyway, Shawnee will be mentoring the girls, I'll be directing them in scenes, and the great acting coach John Homa will be putting them through acting challenges. Then, we'll all work together at the end of each episode to permanently destroy one girl's self-esteem and make her cry. I'm not sure yet which one of us is the heartless, mean one. But I'm pretty sure it's me.
In all honesty, the show has been a complete blast so far. I fucking love it. I love the Exec Producers, who worked on BEAUTY AND THE GEEK, one of my favorite reality shows, I'm having a great time with Shawnee and John, and we have some fantastically talented (and hot!) contestants.
It is an utterly trippy experience being inside of a reality show, and I'll do my best to share the real experience with you when the show airs this fall.
SPEAKING OF WHICH...
My favorite reality show, SCARE TACTICS, starts tomorrow...
ALSO -
While at the San Diego ComiCon promoting the XBox stuff, I bought this kickass painting of a furious giant panda -
Go fuck yourselves,
James
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Know when I'm drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or killing a whore by following me on TWITTER.
Also, I can't answer questions in MySpace messages much anymore, so ask them below, or join the James Gunn Appreciation Society, where I answer questions in the Q & A section almost daily, HERE.
Here's some video from the CUT! Film Festival in LA. back in March. It's courtesy of the gorgeous Thomas Cunningham (AKA Tommy the Zombie Slayer). The festival was a blast, and it was wonderful seeing the movie with Rooker, Nathan Fillion, and Gregg Henry. We made the movie two years ago as co-workers and, now, two years later, we got to sit in a theater and watch it together as good friends. What made the screening even more fun was sitting in an audience with people I have known from MySpace who traveled from all over the country to be there! Thanks to all of you guys for coming.
I also like these videos because you guys can all see for yourselves how crazy Michael Rooker actually is. I'm not just fucking around when I tell crazy Rooker stories here in this blog -- he really is that fucking nuts!
At the beginning of the Q&A I'm finishing a story I had started earlier about Rooker.
Essentially, the beginning of the story is this...
My brothers, my friends, and I hang out a lot on Sundays, which includes Rooker. One Sunday night he stepped onto my brother's porch. He saw a few of us through the window, and tried to scare us by slamming on the window and screaming like a maniac. (It didn't work -- we recognized a Rooker mating call). As he turned away from the window and walked toward the front door, he felt a fine mist falling over him -- almost like one of those spray machines in line at an amusement park. He looked down to see a little black creature cornered on the porch, trying to get away from him. And then the ungodly smell hit him, and he realized he had just been skunked...
THANKS to all the CUT folks -- the Lindas and everyone else -- for a remarkably fun time. One of my favorite screenings ever, with JGASSERS from all over. You too can join JGAS (where I answer questions almost daily) at www.jgas.org.
And then I have one more video for you. This one is from a year ago when I was serving as a judge at the Brussels International Film Festival, and my old boss from Troma, Lloyd Kaufman, had his film POULTRYGEIST showing at the fest. It's courtesy of Kaspar Karloff and Heavy Methane. I was just sent it, but I think it's great to show, considering POULTRYGEIST is having it's Los Angeles Premiere at Laemmle's Sunset 5 on June 13th. I am going to TRY and be there. I've already seen the movie three times, it's a beautiful thing, and you guys should all check it out.
Be good,
James
So it's late Thursday night, and I haven't written a blog in a long time...
It might be a little unwise to get behind the blog wheel at this present time - although I'm not drunk, I'm deliriously tired, as I've slept perhaps a total of 12 hours since Sunday morning.
Why? Because I've been working my ass off writing PETS, prepping one of my web series, and dealing with the ludicrous dramas of my personal life...
But fuck it.
I have some shit to show you.
Like this rad BRATISLAVAN RAP VIDEO...
I fucking love it. Fuck those Bulgarian rappers for rawking my world so completely.
I also want to show you this awes video by MURAKAMI...
Poor Inochi made a complete mistake by looking in that girl's locker room! Now she'll never like him. Also, he looks just like me in grade school, only from the inside-out! (Thanks for the video, Bill Pardy's Doppelganger.)
And I want to show you this piece of art by SCOTT MUSGROVE I just bought...
It's called Lepus Perilous, and it's currently part of Scott Musgrove's fantastic show at the Billy Shire Fine Arts Gallery here in Los Angeles. It's up for the rest of this month, so go check it out! Here are a few more from the show...
Find out more about the show at the Billy Shire Fine Arts web site (http://www.billyshirefinearts.com/).
Or see more of Scott's work on his MySpace Page (http://www.myspace.com/scottmusgrove).
But mostly I want to tell you this fucked up DEAD SQUIRREL STORY.
So I'm in my house a few days ago, and I happen to look out the window. I see something in the middle of the street outside, and I pray it's a big piece of bark. So I walk outside and take a closer look.
But it's not a piece of bark, it's a dead squirrel. It looks like he's been hit by a car mid-run. He's still in the running position with his eyes open, and a little bit of an expression that says, "Holy Jesus, I think I'm kind of fucked here." He's just starting to get it.
Admittedly, I might be reading a little into his expression, as normally I belive squirrels only have four expressions:
1. Fuck, I don't have a nut.
2. Hm, I think that's a fucking nut over there!
3. No, that's not a nut. It's a little piece of bark. Shit.
4. MMM, this nut is fucking delicious!
I think this dude's expression was probably number 3. That's the best way he could react to getting hit by a car. This is because God invented squirrels before modern times, he didn't think to put car-oriented expressions into their bag of tricks.
But I'm getting way off track (tired, remember?)
So I see the dead squirrel and I'm not happy it's so close to my house. See, I hate small, dead things. Don't ask me why. I hate dead mice and dead birds and dead rats and dead squirrels - they freak me out. Something bigger - like a dead possum or a dead pig - really doesn't freak me out quite so much. (A dead child, which is also bigger, actually WOULD freak me out a bit - but perhaps that's just because I've known a lot of children personally.)
Anyway, I think, "Well, the street cleaner will be here tomorrow, so no big whup, I'll just leave it here."
And I did.
A couple of hours later I'm on the second floor of my house, talking on the phone to my friend Stevie Blackehart, who was admitting to me that he can only masturbate while thinking of fucking men while strangling them to death (well, not really, but I'm doing what I can to spice up this story). I glance out my window and I see some freaky, swarthy dude with a little mustache using a stick to push the squirrel onto a piece of what looks like brown butcher's wrap. Also, the dude is parked in my driveway and he has a friend in his front seat who is only a silhouette.
I can't figure out what this dude could possibly want with a dead squirrel. I always thought those Road-Kill-Diary cookbooks were just a joke. I hear giggling coming from downstairs - it's my assistant Tara, who is watching the same scene from the first floor.
"What's that guy doing?" I say to Tara.
"I don't know!" she says. "Who are you talking to about fucking men while strangling them?"
"Nobody," I say. Then I lean over the bannister and mouth "Stevie."
"Ohhhh," she says.
(Okay, again, that dialogue isn't exact - but this next part IS -- )
Then the freaky, swarthy dude carries the dead squirrel on the piece of butcher's paper towards my house. He's carrying it very gently, as if it's his dead lover. Then the motherfucker sets it down on my lawn. He kneels beside it. And then, God knows why, he fucking uses his bare hand to arrange it on the paper, as if the frozen running position with the "that isn't a nut" expression was more aesthetically pleasing horizontally than vertically. NOTE: The dude used his hand to do this when he was touching it with a stick just a moment before. He also looks melancholy while he arranges his body - again, like he knew this squirrel personally.
And then the dude LEAVES THE DEAD SQUIRREL ON MY LAWN and gets back into his car!
Tara continues laughing downstairs. She just thinks this whole thing is delightful.
I run downstairs as fast as I can and out the front door. The dude is backing out of my driveway. Luckily, his window is open so I can yell at him through it.
All of this dialogue is completely real -
"Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!" I've never used the word 'yo' in a confrontational context before, but it somehow seems appropriate. "What are you doing?!"
The dude gets out of his car and he looks at me with his freaky, swarthy, Comedia dell' Arte sad clown face, and he says, as if he's about to burst into tears, "Someone has killed a wild animal!"
Now I'm pretty good with placing accents - but this dude has some weird fucking accent that I don't think even exists, like he's Balki's brother from PERFECT STRANGERS. It's a mix of Easter European, Mexican, and E.T.
I respond: "What the fuck are you putting it on my lawn for?!"
Again, about to cry, weird accent, "Someone has killed him in the street!"
"So leave him there! Why did you carry him off the street and put him on my lawn!?"
The guy makes a sad, wailing sound: "Ohhhhhhh!"
"The street cleaner's going to come tomorrow!" I say (I actually have no idea what day the street cleaner comes). "Get him off my lawn and back on the street!"
The guy wretchedly nods, making another whiny sound, as he gets into his car.
"Where are you going?! Dude! I got your license plate number!"
He nods as he starts backing out of my driveway. I hear giggling. I look back at my front porch. Tara is there, gleeful, loving this whole interaction.
"Do you have his license plate number?!" I say to her.
"SAF 569!" she says, as she laughs.
A moment of sobriety passes over me, as I wonder what the hell I'm going to say if I do call the cops: "A dude lovingly arranged a squirrel vertically on my lawn! Arrest him!"? I don't think that would work. And now I'm seriously panicking because I really don't want a small, dead thing on my lawn. I honestly won't be able to sleep knowing it's out there. I CAN'T touch it, because it freaks me out. So I'd have to have Tara do it, which seems to cross-the-line when it comes to a personal assistant's duties, or I'd have to emasculate myself by asking Stevie or my ex-wife to come over and do it for me. So I resort to one of my older techniques that I've found to be remarkably effective in these situations: physical violence.
"Dude!" I yell. "I'm going to pull you out of that fucking car if you don't get out and move that thing now!"
In truth, I am quite a bit bigger than this dude and probably could pull him out of the car, but I was also rather foolishly discounting his unspeaking silhouette friend in the front seat. I'm not even sure he's a human being, he might be a shadow person or a golem or something. I think in my disorientation I was somehow thinking Tara had my back, but she's so tiny she couldn't take a human, much less the other, more frightening options.
Then the dude says, "No, I am just backing out my car so I am not in your driveway."
"Oh," I say, kind of calming down. "Dude, you can stay parked in my driveway."
I turn around and look at Tara again. She's still laughing hysterically, only now I'm sort of wondering if she's laughing at me.
So swarthy backs out and parks along the curb. He gets out of the car and walks over to the dead squirrel on the piece of paper. Again, he picks it up, cradling it gently with both hands.
And he just stands there for a moment, looking around, pathetically, like he doesn't know what to do with the thing.
I go back inside to watch the rest from the window, because I'm becoming uncomfortable. Tara stays on the front porch, openly laughing. She really doesn't seem to give a shit that she's essentially laughing right in this guy's face. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with her.
And this is the whole reason I'm telling the story, because what he does next defies logic, and makes this whole story fall into the category of what-the-fuck-even-is-this-fucking-story stories.
But the dude walks over to his car. And he arranges the squirrel on his windshield.
And then he lifts up his windshield wiper. And he clamps it down onto the dead squirrel so that it's firmly in place.
Now Tara is screaming as she laughs: "Oh my God! What is he doing!? Oh my God!!" Then the dude gets into his car.
And off he goes, down my street, a dead squirrel securely clamped to his windshield for all to see, including all the kids playing soccer there in the park.
Yep. I'm not kidding.
I'll post a blog soon with videos from the CUT film festival.
Until then, go fuck yourselves.
James
HUMANZEES
Let me tell you something about my friend Stevie Blackehart. When Stevie was young, being raised by nuns in Hell's Kitchen, he would get in trouble very often. This meant countless hours of detention in the school library. So how did Stevie amuse himself? He would read the encyclopedias. A to Z, cover to cover, the World Book, the Britannica, etc, over and over. You would think this would make Stevie an especially interesting individual, full of fun facts about our world which he could throw into a conversation at any time.
You would be wrong. Instead, although he is my best friend, Stevie is extremely boring. Usually he's like sitting next to a monotone cassette recording of the World Book encyclopedia, droning on and on about something you could give two shits about - like, say, how a fucking air-conditioner works.
So this Friday while we were doing a photo shoot for Femme Fatales (having to do with our secret project), Stevie surprised me - surprised us all, really -when he brought up the subject of Oliver the Humanzee. For the first time in our ten-year friendship, Stevie was actually interesting. The whole gang hung on his every word as he told us all about Oliver, a very human-like Chimpanzee who for years was believed to be a half-human/half-chimp hybrid. Oliver walked upright like a human being, with his knees forward. He had very little hair. He was able to understand complex instructions. He was only sexually attracted to human females (Oliver once bent over and raped his female owner - and she wasn't even good-looking!) It was no coincidence Stevie was telling us about Oliver on Easter weekend, as in my mind Oliver was quickly overtaking Jesus as the greatest being to ever walk planet earth.
Anyway, here's a little video about Oliver so you can take in the awesomeness yourselves:
As DNA evidence later proved, Oliver wasn't really a human/chimp hybrid, just a chimp that is very very much like a human being (an evolutionary leap, perhaps?), and who also RAWKED to a very great degree.
HOWEVER, Stevie went into great detail about how it actually WAS feasible to have such a hybrid, as human sperm could fertilize a chimp egg or vice versa. He talked about a Russian scientist who did all sorts of breeding experiments between humans and apes, although he lost his government funding before any of them came to fruition (Communist pussies). Stevie also told us about a secret team of scientists in Florida in the 1920's who were rumored to have actually delivered a human-chimp baby. Supposedly, the thing was so awful they had to destroy it. I don't know how they destroyed it, but I like to imagine that they smashed it with a rock, as that would be more dramatic.
That night I went out with my friends Michael Rosenbaum, Pete Alton, and Chris MacDonald. Of course, we talked about nothing else but humanzees. I told them how I was on the fence about actually having children, but if I could have a humanzee son I would do it in a second. We all agreed it would be super cool if we each had a humanzee son who could hang out with us. They would be the perfect compatriots - we could give them lots of love and teach them how to do complex tasks. But we could also put them in a cage in the backseat when we were bored with them. Maybe we'd cut up an apple and put it in there for them to eat.
While we were driving from party to club to party we would watch the Oliver YouTube videos on Rosenbaum's iPhone. I knew this wasn't the safest thing, watching videos while I was driving on the 405 Freeway on a Friday at midnight surrounded by drunks. But I also knew if we died in a fiery crash, my friends and family would understand if they knew we were watching humanzee videos, because humanzees are super-interesting.
While we were hanging out at a hip club in Hollywood, I looked at my friend Pete. Pete's a great friend, and I really love him, but I realized in that moment I would be a lot happier if he was a humanzee.
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It would be really incredible if it was me and Rosey and Chris hanging out with a humanzee instead of Pete. It would be especially cool if the humanzee was wearing cool clothing - maybe he'd get a little suit custom made wherever midgets get their suits made. The humanzee most likely wouldn't have a lot of money, as humanzees are probably ridiculously stupid - whatever money they did make they'd spend on candy and glittery objects and human women who would overcome their disgust at having sex with them for large amounts of cash. But, I swear to God, I'd GIVE the little fucker the money to buy the custom-made humanzee suit. What would be better than that? First of all, EVERYTHING the humanzee would do would be interesting. Even something boring, like drinking a martini or smoking a clove cigarette would be neat to see a humanzee do. Secondly, he'd be great in a bar fight. Chimpanzees have EIGHT TIMES the strength of human beings. That means a humanzee has FOUR TIMES the strength of a human being. But he'd be tiny, so it wouldn't be expected. Thirdly, I think we'd get a lot of attention with a humanzee. Girls would definitely want their pictures taken with him, and I'm pretty sure they'd be amazed at the rapport I had with the humanzee. I'd be like the hunky jock who's really nice to his retarded little brother. That's a pretty attractive feature in a guy.
I don't even know what a real humanzee would look like. But it would probably be pretty cool and also would creep you out.
As I sat there in the club, I realized I've made so many of my dreams in life come true - I've written and directed movies, I've made a lot of money, I've had sex with beautiful women - that I am now fantasizing about really strange things, like having a humanzee as a best friend.
So be it. At the very least, he'd never, ever, ever blather on about how a fucking air-conditioner works. A humanzee would not have the slightest idea. He'd just be like, "Wow, when I flick this button I'm not so hot anymore. It's magic!"
Actually, in that respect, I guess I am kind of like a humanzee.
THE CUT! FILM FESTIVAL THIS WEEKEND! - NEW SUPER-SPECIAL GUEST!
Speaking of humanzees, Michael Rooker is one of the many fine guests on at this Sunday's CUT! film festival SLiTHER screening and panel at the New Beverly in Los Angeles.
Michael Rooker and fellow humanzee Nick Holmes fighting for a piece of fruit, chuman-style.
In addition to the announced guests - myself, Rooker, Gregg Henry (who's been amazing on THE RICHES), composer Tyler Bates, and FX maestro Todd Masters - I'm pleased to announce a new SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST to our panel - MR. NATHAN FILLION.
That's right, Browncoats. Those of you in the L.A. area can now proceed to have a Whedongasm. Ol' Nate will be joining us on the panel, perhaps sharing with us tales of how he's into a good Furry orgy now and again.
Honestly, it's going to be a lot of fun. It'll be awesome seeing the movie in a theater (which is the very best way to experience SLiTHER) and having the whole gang together once more.
The SLiTHER screening is at 4 pm this Sunday, March 30 at the New Beverly Cinema, 7165 West Beverly Blvd. (One block East of La Brea), Los Angeles, CA. You can find more information about tickets, etc, at the CUT website -- http://www.cut2008.net/
Come up and introduce yourself. I don't bite.
Go fuck yourselves, James
Cheap Trick
I recently read the book SHAKE SOME ACTION, by John M. Borack, which listed the "Top 200 Power Pop Albums of All Time." Although Borack's list was quite a bit different from what mine would be, I enjoyed it immensely, and it inspired me to write a list of my favorite 100 power pop songs... which quickly became my favorite 150 power pop songs... and then my favorite 200... But I couldn't leave "Fox on the Run" or Skycyle off my list... so I finally settled on a nice, round 250 songs. My obsessive compulsion has its advantages. Well, at least if you're a power pop fan reading this blog...
"What's power pop?"
This is the question every person asks me after asking "What type of music are you into?" There's been whole books written on the subject, as well as a wonky Wikipedia page, and they don't answer the question that well, so I'm not sure how I can do. But my answer is usually something like this: traditional pop song arrangements that focus on hooks and melodies, but that often have a harder, rockier thrust. However, that only describes the power pop I personally like best. Carl Cafarelli in "Shake Some Action" describes it in the following way:
"In strictest terms, power pop is literally pop music with power, catchy tunes with an attitude. It refers to an energetic interpretation of pop rock, based in equal parts on melodic hooks and killer instinct. It takes obvious inspiration from mid-1960's rock 'n' roll, especially from groups like the Beatles, The Kinks, and the early Who. From about 1977 onward, it has frequently absorbed a recognizable influence from the ragin' rhythms of punk."
Well, why the fuck not. Let's go with that.
For me, power pop was birthed by the above-mentioned bands in the '60's, but was truly created by the big five - Big Star, the Raspberries, Todd Rundgren, Badfinger, and Cheap Trick - in the early-to-mid '70's. New wave bands like the Knack, Squeeze, and the dB's, and punk bands like the Ramones, helped to hammer it into shape in the late '70's and early '80s, and today's post-modern purveyors continue to add new wrinkles every year.
"How did you decide what bands belong on this list?"
I hunted and poked and came up with whom I came up with below. I normally left off bands who may have had a power pop song or two, but weren't generally considered power pop overall; Alice Cooper's Under My Wheels, The Old 97's Rollerskate Skinny, or The Clash's Hateful, for example, weren't included because Alice, the Olds, and The Clash aren't really power pop bands. Other bands that sidle power pop, but aren't quite, like Elvis Costello and The Replacements, I also left off the list. And I didn't include the piano pop sub-genre of power pop that would include great bands like the Ben Folds Five and Fluid Ounces. I DID include punk power pop bands; although Borack slides past them in his book, there's no doubt in my mind that The Ramones and The Buzzcocks are pure power pop.
"You're missing ______!
How could you leave them off, you cocksucker?!"
First of all, calling me a cocksucker is a little harsh. It's only a list, and everyone's tastes are different. (Note: This is a list of my FAVORITE power pop songs not the GREATEST power pop songs - it's completely subjective.) There are a lot of classic power pop bands I may appreciate but really don't enjoy much - The Shoes, 20/20, and Dwight Twilley, for instance. Overall, I definitely lean toward the harder-edged, rockier power pop of Cheap Trick (5 songs), The Wannadies (7 songs), and The Ramones (4 songs), or the more extravagant indie power pop bands like Apples in Stereo (6 songs) or Sloan (5 songs).
In making this list, I have to thank Jordan Oakes, who lovingly compiled the Yellow Pills compilations, John M. Borack , Joe Williams, my friend and CD-compilation maker, and Not Lame Records, the number one purveyor of great power pop (please check them out at www.notlame.com).
Also, you can check out a very truncated downloadable version of this list on iTunes at MY 100 FAVORITE POWER POP TUNES SONGS AVAILABLE ON ITUNES.
Here goes. Enjoy -
1. Surrender - Cheap Trick
2. Erica's Word - Game Theory
3. Pulling Mussels (From the Shell) - Squeeze
4. Calling All Destroyers - Tsar
5. Goin' Through Your Purse - Material Issue
6. These Others - Vandalias
7. Good Girls Don't - The Knack
8. Late - Trip Shakespeare
9. Cruel to Be Kind - Nick Lowe
10. Gimme Love - The Swingers
11. Go All the Way - Raspberries
12. Why Bother? - Weezer
13. Crybaby - Utopia
14. Down Like Me - Ken Stringfellow
15. Alright - The Lost Patrol
16. Headache -Frank Black
17. Golden Blunders - The Posies
18. The KKK Took My Baby Away - The Ramones
19. Town Called Malice - The Jam
20. Highschool - Flashing Lights
21. Couldn't I Just Tell You - Todd Rundgren
22. Can't Make Your Life - Lilys
23. Your Love Is the Place Where I Come From - Teenage Fanclub
24. Indy 500 - Girlpope
25. Don't Deflate - Starling
26. Yellow & Blue - Ice Cream Hands
27. She Digs Her - You Am I
28. Teenage Kicks - The Undertones
29. Counting the Beat - The Swingers
30. Going Underground - The Jam
31. Dear Scene, I Wish I Were Deaf - Nightmare of You
32. Get Over It - Ok Go
33. He's a Whore - Cheap Trick
34. The Ghost at Number One - Jellyfish
35. This 'n' That - Silver Sun
36. The Rest of My Life - Sloan
37. Been Waiting - The Flashing Lights
38. Turn It Around - Steve Ward
39. The Way I Want to Be - The Village Green
40. Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra
41. The Ballad of El Goodo - Big Star
42. I Don't Want Control of You - Teenage Fanclub
43. Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet
44. She's So Young - The Pursuit of Happiness
45. Melanie - The Nines
46. Sun - The Toms
47. Opportunites - You Am I
48. Up the Junction - Squeeze
49. Homemade Movie Queen - Ray Wonder
50. About Your Fame - The Apples in Stereo
51. Taking Up Space -The Cavedogs
52. Nothing Wrong - The Wannadies
53. I Just Threw Out the Love of My Life - Weezer & Rachel Hayden
54. The Kind of Day I Had - Dum Dums
55. Keep the Home Fires Burning - The Bluetones
56. Dawn Can't Decide - The Lemonheads
57. Sucked Out - Superdrag
58. Hurt Me - The Odds
59. Wish It Would Rain - Roger Joseph Manning Jr.
60. Dumb - Silver Sun
61. Gene Autry - Beulah
62. Losing California - Sloan
63. Buzzbomb - Vandalias
64. Earn Enough for Us - XTC
65. Mary Provost - Nick Lowe
66. Disaster - Frisbie
67. Jesse's Girl - Rick Springfield
68. I'm Shakin' - Rooney
69. Mule - Wille Wisely
70. Across the Sea - Weezer
71. When Did Your Heart Go Missing? - Rooney
72. Madame Helga - Stereophonics
73. Someone Somewhere - The Wannadies
74. There She Goes -The Las
75. Do Anything You Wanna Do - Eddie and the Hot Rods
76. Charity at Home - Vandalias
77. Those Words - Eggstone
78. Needles and Pins - The Ramones
79. I Want to Be Buried in Your Backyard - Nightmare of You
80. Built in Girls - Wrens
81. Purple Sneakers - You Am I
82. No Tomorrow - Orson
83. The Big Lie - Gigolo Aunts
84. 24 - Game Theory
85. Understanding Jane - The Icicle Works
86. Whenever You're on My Mind - Marshall Crenshaw
87. Wish List - Jets to Brazil
88. Nobody Knows - Raspberries
89. Oh Tara - The Knack
90. Electric Chair - The Dolls (featuring Jane Jensen)
91. I Can't Take It - Cheap Trick
92. I Need Love - Sam Phillips
93. It Hurts Too Much - Eric Carmen
94. Ever Fallen in Love - Buzzcocks
95. No Matter What - Badfinger
96. Cigarette Lighter Love Song - Marvelous 3
97. Permanent - Arthur Yoria
98. New Mistake - Jellyfish
99. Trees - The Lovehammers
100. A Spy in the House of Love - dB's
101. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
102. Different Girl - Swag
103. Love Is the Answer - Utopia
104. Benefits of Lying (With Your Friend) - Apples in Stereo
105. Maybe Tonight - The Knack
106. Ride - The Montgomery Cliffs
107. Junk - Brainpool
108. Under the Light of the Moon - The Merrymakers
109. No One Told Him - Vandalias
110. Hollow Head - Sloan
111. My Mind - The Scruffs
112. Fallen Angels - Bill Boll
113. You and Me Song - The Wannadies
114. This Year's Jessica - The Beatifics
115. Stupid Thing to Say - Treble Charger
116. Everybody Gets What They Deserve - The Churchills
117. The Bird That You Can't See - The Apples in Stereo
118. Comets - Brian Stevens
119. The Genius - True Love
120. Yearbook - Splitsville
121. Baby It's Cold Outside - Pezband
122. No One Else (acoustic version) - Weezer
123. Dragonfly - The Sun Sawed in 1/2
124. I Don't Wanna Break Up - Tsar
125. Get High - All Day Sucker
126. Shorty - The Wannadies
127. She Looks Like You - Arthur Yoria
128. She Reduces Me - Paper Airplane Pilots
129. Gee Angel - Sugar
130. Wednesday Girl - The Montgomery Cliffs
131. The Way She Drives - Ice Cream Hands
132. April's Fool - The Merrymakers
133. Caught By the Fuzz - Supergrass
134. Down with Peter Green - The Mayflies USA
135. Call Me - Arthur Yoria
136. Horse & Carriage - Calamine
137. MONoSTEReo - Tsar
138. Uri Geller - The Wannadies
139. That's What the Little Girls Do - The Knack
140. I Just Wanna Stay at Home - The Blondes
141. It's Up to You - The Tuesdays
142. The Good Life - Weezer
143. I Was Never a Normal Boy - Nightmare of You